In addition to the liver spots on her hands, Miss Crankypants has noticed another foreign substance invading her heretofore imperfect-but-passable body. If you’ve ever hung streamers for a festive occasion, you know what she’s talking about: CREPE. As in crepey skin, a total giveaway that Miss CP (and millions like her) are not exactly spring chickens.
What gives skin the right to start crepe-ing up? It’s all over the place: Under her eyes, creeping toward the wattle, and ohmigosh the undersides of the arms are Crepe City! Miss CP wonders if a few well-placed clothespins could restore her saggy crepe skin to it’s original taut youthfulness.
She’s reminded of a certain yellow swimsuit she owned as a teenager. The suit had a built-in bra shelf and fit like a glove–while it was dry. But the minute Miss CP cannon-balled into the pool, the whole affair began to resemble a matron elephant’s skin. Talk about wrinkled!
The suit expanded approximately to the area of Kansas.
Not only that, this bathing suit, when wet, weighed a ton! A metric ton. When she surfaced, Miss CP was so busy trying to keep the darned suit on, she almost didn’t notice the built-in bra had disengaged and had floated up before her, like rolling snake eyes while swimming. Talk about wardrobe malfunction! It was a while before that itsy-bitsy teeny weeny yellow bikini came out of the water.
The incident has been filed under Things-You-Hope-to-Live-Down-But-Probably-Won’t.
But back to crepe.
Miss Cranky is convinced that crepe-skin is the result of some heavenly joke on women of a certain age. Men get crepey too, but on them it’s “seasoned” or “wise-looking.” Wise-looking? More like wise-acre.
Women aren’t allowed to let anything sag, bag or crepe-out. If you don’t believe it, just take a gander at all the “work” Hollywood celebs get done, all to ward off crepe-iness. Now and then the work goes from crepey to creepy, as Joan Rivers knows all too well.
Maybe the rest of us poor slobs will just have to live with crepey skin. You can try to hide it all you want, but like the matron elephant, it never forgets.