Miss Crankypants was thinking about taking the day off from waxing poetic about all her body fails. I mean, you can only wring so much fun out of the perils of getting older, right? Ha, ha, you probably thought Miss CP was going to talk about waxing in the literal sense, didn’t you?
Oh all right. Miss Crank hasn’t yet plumbed the depths of unwanted hair. And since she bets you got up this morning wondering what on earth you were going to do about that unwanted hair, Miz CP is here to tell you. SOMEbody has to do it.
First up on the Places You Never Want Hair:
Your toes. While it may have worked for hobbits like Bilbo Baggins, in our society hairy toes are a sure sign that you’re the Missing Link. Hang out by the pool with hirsute toes and you’ll have all the moms screaming for their kids to get out of the water this instant! They’ll think Bigfoot is taking a morning dip before he goes off into the woods and practices scaring the bejeebers out of unsuspecting hikers. You definitely DO NOT WANT hair on any of your toes, but especially the Big Toe. It’s enough to make you wade in combat boots.
The Ears. Miz Cranky’s dear sweet hubby says his hair has been migrating from the top of his head where it belongs, to destinations southward unheard of just a few years before. The ears are the biggest culprit. Let’s face it: When you spot an old geezer with copious amounts of ear hair, you really really want to go at the old dude with clippers. Or at least braid it neatly. Instead, you’re forced to stare at wiry sprouts, sprouting from the ear canal or tufting the tops of his pointy ears like some werewolf elf. Miss Crankypants can hardly stand it! She SO wants to blurt out, “Sir are you aware that your ears resemble an old growth forest?” But he probably wouldn’t hear her, with all that ear hair.
Le Schnoz. Is there anything worse than ear hair? Bingo! Nose hair, my friends, is the scourge of humanity, not to mention simply disgusting. Especially when it gets tangled in one’s mustache hair. Bad enough that Miss CP’s hubby has thick dark tendrils coming from inside the nose. Now he’s taken to growing hairs right on top of it too! Miz CP must be ever vigilant for these top-of-the-nose hairs–they’re sneaky little varmints. And, she’s convinced in cahoots with hubby’s eyebrows, which when waxed, make him look like a disgruntled Mark Twain.
Miss Crankypants could go on and on about unwanted hair, the perils and pitfalls of various dipilatory methods and the satisfaction she feels as she waxes off back hair from hubby dearest. That scream you hear means no more hairy shoulders, dude. A sweet thought, indeed.