If you’re as old as dirt, you remember those recordings where you could learn a foreign language while you slept. In the morning, you could leap out of bed shouting, “Vive France!” or politely ask someone where the flying ashtrays were kept.
Now Miss CP is hearing about women who try to lose weight in a hurry by eschewing chewing for 8 days. Instead of eating, they get to walk around with a feeding tube shoved up their noses. That’s right! Instead of ignoring thoughtless comments about how you should NEVER wear polka-dotted spandex, you can walk around ignoring those subtle hints that, uh, when you used your napkin, you just might have missed a stray piece of spaghetti that’s now hanging off your upper lip. I mean, how many times can you keep explaining that you’re getting married in two weeks and you bought a wedding dress three sizes too small? Gets tiresome.
But Miss Crankypants has a perfect solution. She has the answer for those who sigh that they’ll never remember if it’s lay or lie; those who gripe that good fiction is so darned hard to write; that these days it takes a genius to know what kind of books will sell.
Get a Writing Feeding Tube!
Now before you start to gag, think about it. A feeding tube that delivers perfect plot lines, poetic prose and charismatic characters could save all us writers a lot of time. No longer would mommy writers need to lock themselves in the bathroom to get their word count produced. Office workers could stop sneaking off to write that torrid romance while the boss isn’t looking (Hello, Polly!) And for the rest of us, bestsellers would practically write themselves. Think of the time-saving.
We’d just order bags of liquid golden words and hook those babies up to our nasal feeding tubes. Then we’d go about our daily routines and never again lose sleep because we’ve neglected our muses.
And if we spot anyone pointing and laughing, we’ll just tell them we’re getting married in two weeks.