|But Mom I don’t want to take a nap!|
As Miss Crankypants helps out with her daughter’s new baby (whose name today is Amon, why won’t you stop screamin’?) she’s noticed more than a passing resemblance to a lot of writers she knows. The sleep-deprived all have this blank look that must be where they got the idea for zombies. Whether on deadline or walking the floor at 3AM with a fuss-budget infant, a few things make it obvious: this person could be dangerous. Think it’s not true? Think again, mon frere.
Put a new mom or an author on deadline in a car and you get a lethal weapon. Miss CP herself once turned the wrong way down a one-way street, all because she was dreaming of donuts (again!). That driver bumping over into the bike lane, all while doing 12 mph? There’s either a baby on board or else it’s an author who ran out of caffeine.
Find the milk jug in the oven? The car keys in the dryer? A trail of Oreo crumbs from the kitchen to every room in the house? Yep. Either an author is staring down the worst deadline in the history of publishing, or else someone has a little bundle of joy screeching in the bassinet.
Others who live with this person are considered collateral damage. If you want dinner, you’ll just have to cook those frozen elk burgers from three years ago . Learn to turn your own underpants pink–separating the laundry is for sissies! And please please please DO NOT ask authors or new moms where you left your other shoe! Authors and Mommies couldn’t care less if you walk to school wearing two different pairs of shoes. They do it all the time.
In fact, Miss Cranky is on deadline as she tries to help her poor daughter with that colicky kid. So far this week, she has worn one earring to church, pocketed dialed her husband at work a dozen times, and put on her yoga pants inside out. This is DOUBLE JEOPARDY. Two sleep-deprived idiots in the same vicinity could change the world!
But you’ll have to excuse Miss CP. Right now, she’s got to go change her manuscript and her grandson, whichever screams louder.