Writers! Get a Feeding Tube!

If you’re as old as dirt, you remember those recordings where you could learn a foreign language while you slept. In the morning, you could leap out of bed shouting, “Vive France!” or politely ask someone where the flying ashtrays were kept.
Now Miss CP is hearing about women who try to lose weight in a hurry by eschewing chewing for 8 days. Instead of eating, they get to walk around with a feeding tube shoved up their noses. That’s right! Instead of ignoring thoughtless comments about how you should NEVER wear polka-dotted spandex, you can walk around ignoring those subtle hints that, uh, when you used your napkin, you just might have missed a stray piece of spaghetti that’s now hanging off your upper lip. I mean, how many times can you keep explaining that you’re getting married in two weeks and you bought a wedding dress three sizes too small? Gets tiresome.
But Miss Crankypants has a perfect solution. She has the answer for those who sigh that they’ll never remember if it’s lay or lie; those who gripe that good fiction is so darned hard to write; that these days it takes a genius to know what kind of books will sell.
Get a Writing Feeding Tube!
Now before you start to gag, think about it. A feeding tube that delivers perfect plot lines, poetic prose and charismatic characters could save all us writers a lot of time. No longer would mommy writers need to lock themselves in the bathroom to get their word count produced. Office workers could stop sneaking off to write that torrid romance while the boss isn’t looking (Hello, Polly!) And for the rest of us, bestsellers would practically write themselves. Think of the time-saving.
We’d just order bags of liquid golden words and hook those babies up to our nasal feeding tubes. Then we’d go about our daily routines and never again lose sleep because we’ve neglected our muses.
And if we spot anyone pointing and laughing, we’ll just tell them we’re getting married in two weeks.

About Linda S. Clare

I'm an author, speaker, writing coach and mentor. I teach both fiction and nonfiction writing at Lane Community College and in the doctoral program as expert writing advisor for George Fox University. I love helping writers improve their craft and I'm both an avid reader and writer of stories about those with wounded hearts.

2 comments on “Writers! Get a Feeding Tube!

  1. Oh My Dear Miss CrankyPants,
    You are so far behind times. I have had one (writing tube)for the past six months. Where have you been?
    I have written two novels, a biography, and four novellas, all while working full time as a newspaper columnist, volunteering in the church nursery, leading my child’s girl scout pack, and being nominated for wife of the year by our local women’s club.
    Unfortunately, I am being sued by my publishing company for breech of contract, (too much, too soon) and the tube seems to be leaking all over my best suits.
    It was certainly a risk, but one I was willing to take for the sake of the cause, that being “to write a sentence with neither lie nor lay. . ”
    Blessings, and I have a writing tube, slightly used, for sale, and cheap. My muse returned last night!
    Ta Ta
    Mrs. T.

    • Oh my, Miss T,you’re so funny! Miss CP hasn’t had her feeding tube long enough to find out that they LEAK. Now if she were to stop trying to force a an encyclopedia through the darned thing, it might stay intact. Lord help us all. ~Linda aka Miss CP

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