Talk to The Tail

Cranky Cat is like a lot of felines: When Miss Crankypants is away on a business trip, he mopes. And meows fearfully about how he misses her.  And plots to punish her when she returns.

He can’t threaten to withhold his affections–he has none. And he’d run away from home except he’s not allowed to cross the street. But boy, can Cranky Cat punish. That cat’s shoulder is so cold he could sink the Titanic. And he is willing to pout till the kitties come home in order to let you know how rough he’s had it in your absence.

Miss Cranky recently arrived home from an interstate excursion to promote her books. She was dog-tired and mad. Back at the baggage claim in Indiana, her beat-up old suitcase had trundled past her, completely unzipped. As that suitcase rode the conveyor belt, Miss Cranky’s underpants and everything else she owns waved to her. She frantically grabbed at her wardrobe,but  el stupido suitcase-o took a nosedive right off the belt and tumbled onto the airport floor.

So by the time she walked in her door in Oregon, she was ready to throw in the towel, the color-coordinated pantsuit and the dumb blouse with the itchy collar.

And who’s waiting for her on the Welcome Home Wagon? That would be Cranky Cat, sneering from behind a fake potted plant. He thinks he can hide in back of faux foliage just because he has no tail. Dude, we can so see you. Plus, you smell like tuna fish.

Miss CP thinks you’re dying to know: Did Cranky P. Cat, the most ungrateful feline on the planet, run out to greet his Mommy? No, he did not. Instead, he growled and beat a path under the bed. Growled! At his devoted keeper! From under the bed!

In fact, the Crab of a Cat snubbed not only his dinner, but Miss Crankypants in general. For three days he would not purr, allow himself to be petted or otherwise acknowledge Miss Cranky. It was, “You dare to leave me?  TALK TO THE TAIL.” She worried Cranky Cat would never again shove her off the bed or whisper sweet meow-things into her ear at 3AM. So how, you ask, did she ever absolve herself?

Well. Miss CP was forced to grovel. You know she hates to grovel–especially in front of an ungrateful cat. But if she didn’t grovel, Cranky Cat might escalate the punishment. Next time she left for a few days, Cranky might unleash his rare powers of Siamese caterwauling and the neighbors would have her arrested for disturbing the peace. So she begged his forgiveness. “I’ll never travel again,” she vowed.

And after a few extra tuna treats, Cranky Cat promised not to unzip her suitcase Next Time before she leaves for the airport. Miss Crankypants is so grateful for that.