Eat My 43 1/2 Pairs of Socks

images (1)Miss Crankypants recently read that a California Great Dane with a big stomachache was taken to the emergency vet. Most of the time, dogs in general are a big headache, but this poor Scooby-Doo-wannabe was pretty upset in the tum-tum, so the owners took out a second mortgage to get the dog treated.

A revealing x-ray revealed that this undersized pony of a pooch had a good reason for crying foul. The Great Dane had apparently eaten (as in chewed and swallowed) 43 ½ pairs of his owner’s socks. It took a talented surgeon and a lot of upchucking to get Big Bruiser to give up the socks, and supposedly the Great Dane is now recovering. The owners just received the vet bill for emergency surgery and will be eating Top Ramen for freaking EVER.

All this points to the wisdom of owning cats. For one thing, unless your kitty is Melchior the Very Large (Or as he’s nicknamed, Rumpy Cat), felines in general don’t eat as much as Great Danes. When kitties do eat, they immediately look for your shoes to throw up in. Besides, when it comes to socks, felines are much more discriminating.

Cranky Cat and Company wouldn’t think of eating socks.  Miss Cranky’s trio of wayward cats are way too finicky to even eat the tuna out of the can. But stealing socks and hiding them? That, my friends, is a different story.

Cats have been caught on camera, slinking out at night to find and conquer all manner of stockings. They trot their prizes home and stash oodles of socks where you’d never think to look. Cranky Cat’s personal cache of illicit socks ranges from old-fashioned argyles to sexy low-cut no-show athletic socks. He’s been known to raid garage sales and girls’ dorm rooms, trolling for rare socks to add to his collection.

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But at least he doesn’t eat them. True, you’re likely to rediscover your long lost knee-highs when H-E Double Hockey Sticks freezes over, but at least he doesn’t eat them. That would be just too kinky.

Rumpy Cat, on the other hand, goes for the manly socks. His natural uniform is three white “socks” and one that has lost its elastic and has fallen down. Rumpy Hates That! He-cat has more Odor-Eaters than Dr. Scholl’s has gel inserts. He gets Cranky Cat and Mamma Mia! to crawl inside the neighbors’ clothes dryers, scouting for tube socks. Rump doesn’t care whether a Kenmore or a Great Dane ate the socks—he’s just got to make up for that one saggy sock on his back leg.

And speaking of Mamma, she’s got her own little sock racket. Since she never leaves the house without her spike heels, she favors a Cyndi Lauper Retro look, pairing lace-trimmed anklets with her pumps. Mamma Mia is such a Material Girl!

One thing is obvious:images (2)When it comes to socks, cats blow dogs out of the water. Cats not only have more discriminating palettes, they have fashion sense.

Now, Miss Crankypants wants to know: Forty-three and a half pairs of socks? How come the Dane didn’t finish off the 44th pair? Maybe Cranky Cat got there first.

About Linda S. Clare

I'm an author, speaker, writing coach and mentor. I teach both fiction and nonfiction writing at Lane Community College and in the doctoral program as expert writing advisor for George Fox University. I love helping writers improve their craft and I'm both an avid reader and writer of stories about those with wounded hearts.

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