Melchior did it.
Miss Crankypants is like a lot of Americans. She only feels grateful after she’s finished ranting. It works this way: Miss Crank, teed off by some dumb-as-a-dog person who never/always/usually/rarely does or doesn’t do something HER way, gets grouchy. Oooh, can she ever get grouchy.
Phase One: Because I’m GROUCHY, that’s Why!
Case in point: WHO, Miss CP would love to know, left the lid to the mayo jar, uh ajar? That rotten someone had better march right in here and help her clean up the Best Foods off her here-to-fore fairly decently clean kitchen floor. The top suspects: Not Me, Nobody and I-Dunno. The cats claim they always, “Hold the mayo!” So Miss Crankypants is left holding the (now) empty jar that’s still ajar.”For the luvva Mike,” she shouts, “The mayonnaise didn’t just decide that life is too painful and hurl itself off the refrigerator shelf!” She gets on her knees, to mop up a hundred sandwich’s dressing, grumbling and groaning and griping the whole entire time.
Phase Two: Guilt Descendeth like a Really Wet Blanket.
The second phase of this disaster sets down like an F-5 tornado. Ruins Crankytude every single time. It’s Guilt, with a capital G. Know how those Duck Dynasty guys are always happy happy happy? Well at this stage, Miss Crank’s CRANKYTUDE has melted into guilty-tude. She is guilty. Guilty, guilty, guilty. Of griping, of not seeing the hidden blessings inside a wasted jar of mayo. Guilty of refusing to see God’s larger plan for her in the mayonnaise department. GUILTY!
Phase Three: Turning Crankytude to Gratitude.
Since she’s already on her knees, the obvious hits her: “Wow. I live in a house with not only Best Foods but a complete array of condiments. How can I be so ungrateful?” She bows her head, licking mayo off her fingertips. Seriously. We live in a nation so free we can turn traitor and use Miracle Whip without grimacing. We can even purchase the generic crappy brand and fill the empty Best Foods jar (Miss CP has actually done this–so so wrong). Our great nation even has twenty-four-hour grocery stores in case we spill our mayo at two am! Miss Cranky is now officially grateful. See how easy that was? She’s so grateful, she plans on making herself a nice ham sandwich.Oh, right. Guess she’ll hold the mayo.
