Cranky dishes the dirt.

By now the entire planet has watched the amazing clip of a poor little boy riding his bike when the neighbor’s dog attacks and suddenly the family cat kicks some serious dog booty. Now this cat looks a lot like Melchior the Very Large, but we assure you, Melchior has not moved as fast as the video cat in his entire life. 

After Diane Sawyer on the ABC News gushes over Superhero Cat, Cranky Cat immediately starts mouthing off. “So while vicious dog attacks their little angel, where are this kid’s parents? Duh! They’re making sure to get the whole incident on tape!”

“No no no!” Miss Crankypants is seriously thinking of getting Cranky a muzzle. She sets the foul mood feline straight. “A security camera recorded it. The mom and dad only sent in the tape–after they made sure their son was OK.”

Cranky Cat’s arms are folded like that rapper they call Pit Bull. “Yeah, right. Wonder how much moolah they paid the innocent parents to air footage of their son getting mauled?”

“You’re such a cynic!”

“Pfft. Cynic’s my middle name. And for your information, they hired that cat to look like he was saving the kid.” Cranky Cat files his claws.

“And just how do you know this?”
Cranky points the file at Melchior. “Mel’s twin bro got the part after they found out Grumpy Cat has gone on to his great tuna reward.”

“Melchior the Very Large has a twin brother?” Miss CP cannot imagine another whale of a cat like Melchior. And as we said earlier, Mel is not known for his lightning fast speed.

But Cranky Cat insists it’s true. “Well my agent called me first–you know, I’m a legend in Tinsel Town for my ferocious bite–but I said, ‘Meh. You go mano a mano with one dumb dog, you get typecast. After that, they only want you to play heavies.'”

“I can see why they wanted Melchior for the part.”

“Yeah, I tried to coach him a little, show Retardo Monkeybrains a few of my best moves, but he just laid there. And when he found out the job called for hurtling himself through the air at a dog, he passed, he passed, uh let’s just say dude needs to lay off the burritos.”

“For heaven’s sake. Cranky, you’re incorrigible.”

 “Oh sure, blame the cat.” Cranky Cat puts up his paws defensively. “If you don’t believe me you can call Diane Sawyer. That boy’s parents set up the whole thing.”

“Are you sure you’re not just a teensy bit jealous? After all, they did get on national TV.”

Cranky gives Miss CP a look. “Meh.”