Life’s a Snore and then You Kick Him

Melchior the Very Large having a cat nap

We can all breathe a little easier now that Miss Crankypants is recovered from her excursion into Toddler Madness. Well, partly recovered. You see, the nights have been taken over by Bronto-SNORE-aus, aka Mr. Crankypants.
Throughout their 36 years-together-but-it-seems-like-forever, Mr. and Ms. Cranky have had a little agreement: First time he wakes her up by sawing logs, it’s a nice pat, followed by, “Roll over Honey.” Second time the house windows rattle, she’s a bit more insistent: “Can, it Buster! You just woke up the entire neighborhood!” Third time? Well, let’s just say Miss CP has to take care of business. And business involves kicking and the sofa.
OK, so most US households have at least one member who snores. The Crankypants’ have at least three! Melchior the Very Large and Cranky Cat aka Paladine have also been known to bring a little night music to the bedroom. With all three hulks snoring their heads off, it’s a wonder Miss Cranky EVER gets any sleep. You don’t think cats snore? Think again.
Miss CP also once had a dog who despite her feminine mystique, had a real problem. Poor Tami was a rescue mutt who was sort of a mouth breather anyway. But when she drifted off, it was on! Ear plugs were no help at all–it was the teeth rattling that kept you awake.
And don’t get Miss CP started on those dumb mouth guards. In her opinion, these appliances guaranteed to stop snoring just amplify the problem. Plus they make you look kind of creepy.
Mr. Cranky sometimes tries to get even by accusing Miss CP of snoring too. Are you kidding? She has never and will never believe such tripe. Mr. Cranky is obviously mistaken–he’s no doubt listening to Cranky Cat turn up the volume. Somebody please kick that cat.

For now, Miss Crankypants has given up praying for a stop to the SNORE. These days she’d be content if the snoring got rhythmic. Maybe she could lull herself to sleep by counting snores, not sheep. But Wait! Mr. Cranky (and every other guy in the universe) has the oddest habit. He’ll snore along for several seconds and then WHAM! A huge snort. This snort does function as a way to be sure your heart is still beating. It’s only then that you decide a swift kick is in order, just so you can finally get some shuteye.

About Linda S. Clare

I'm an author, speaker, writing coach and mentor. I teach both fiction and nonfiction writing at Lane Community College and in the doctoral program as expert writing advisor for George Fox University. I love helping writers improve their craft and I'm both an avid reader and writer of stories about those with wounded hearts.

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