Miss Crankypants is even crankier than usual. On Friday she has to get up at o’dark-thirty to catch a plane to Indy. And she LOATHES planes. And airports and security check points. Oh, she could go on and on.
If we ever get into another war, God forbid, we could easily extract secrets from the enemy by simply forcing them to fly into O’Hare. In no time, they’d be LOST, LATE and sprinting for the connection which took off five minutes ago. Why, Miss CP bets any bad guy would sing after getting cavity searched for the fifth time.
All this TSB stuff is supposed to keep us safe and Miss Cranky gets that. After all, we’re in a very sensitive time of year here. But for pity sake. Miss Crankypants’ mother sets off the alarms every time she flies, due to Mom’s artificial knees, hip and pacemaker. Mr. Crankypants thinks his mother-in-law is probably a terrorist, but it’s not true. She really only cares that we’re using name brand detergent and regularly dusting the top of the refrigerator.
Miss Crankypants is ready to give up flying and just rent a mule. Not fast, but at least she doesn’t have to empty her pockets or take off her shoes. She comes by her airport phobia honestly. One time, Miss CP wrapped a cake decoration–Happy Birthday in three-inch icing letters–in tin foil and packed it her suitcase. Her heart about exploded as the very-official-looking official called her to the side and asked her to open the suitcase. How was Miss Crank supposed to know the x-ray machine thought her little birthday memento looked like a gun? She couldn’t stop shaking for three days!
If she ever passes security, Madamoiselle Cranque will be stuffed into a metal tube with hundreds of other people who have squalling babies or who never seem to put their tray tables in the upright position. She’ll dash past oldsters on walkers to get to her next plane, and the next, until, Lord willing and the creek don’t rise, she’ll arrive at her destination in one piece. Just in time for the NFL football game traffic to clog the roads to her hotel. Lovely.
All this to say, Miss Crankypants is about to take a few days off while she’s jousting with airlines and taking in the sights in Indy. She’ll miss regaling you with her clever tales, but c’mon, people, you can do this. If Miss CP can survive torture by airplane, she’ll have more stuff than ever to gripe about. See you in a few days!