Last summer, some thief got into Miss Crankypants’ backyard and stole the lawn statues. The ancient Chinese Soldier from Value Village, the dragon complete with undulating scales and a cheesy replica of a seated buddha all disappeared literally overnight. The life-sized bunny rabbit was found on top of the lawnmower, which the robbers apparently couldn’t fit through the gate. Miss CP was devastated. Until she got mad.
What kind of low-life sneaks into your back yard shangri-la and makes off with the statuary? The soldier has since been replaced with a very mean-looking angel, and the dragon was actually on clearance. But so far, the bunny is the only one who survived this attack on suburbia.
Miss Cranky wonders why she is so attached to cheap plastic and cement lawn ornaments. Probably because it really defines who she is!
In her neighborhood, every house you pass displays some kind of statement. There’s the pink flamingo sort, who can’t get enough kitsch. One neighbor has lined her flower beds with wooden cutouts of ladies bending over, showing off their bloomers. Cute. And there are always the giant butterflies clinging to the side of the house, as well as the various sunflowers and brightly-colored whirlygigs and flags. The well-to-do snobs on the corner have those spendy gazing balls everywhere. With enough bowling balls and spray paint, Miss CP could make her own!
She once toured a friend’s garden that was populated by a six-foot long one ton reclining buddha. Which made a nice contrast with the next house, where Christmas lights dangled all year.
Miss Crankypants would never leave her Christmas decorations up past New Year’s. That’s just not who she is.
Who she is, apparently, is a chump who forgot to lock the gate. Miss CP was counting on the dragon and the Soldier to defend her garden of delights. But no. They were probably in on the heist, preferring to live wherever tasteful bandits hang out. Only Mr. Bunny, a white cutie who looks like Thumper from “Bambi,” was up to the task. Thumper must have jumped on the mower with a banshee cry and scared the bejabbers out of the scumbags. They left Mr. Bunny hanging onto the lawnmower and headed for the hills.
This is a cautionary tale, folks.  Take it from Miss Cranky–You don’t want your flamingos to fly or your gazing balls to go missing. After all, your lawn statues are who you are.