Beware the Sporks!

When Miss Crankypants was growing up, her mom had an odd habit. Mother would stand in the kitchen yanking open and then slamming drawers. “Where’s a paring knife when you need one?” she’d fume. After several forays into the cupboards, looking for said parer, Mom would almost literally have a light bulb appear on top of her head. “I know!” she’d yell, and then march out to the carport storeroom, where Dad had a little workshop.
Seems paring knives, steak knives, scissors of all stripes and table spoons are migratory beasts. SOME how, they’d start out in the kitchen drawer, but eventually bowed to the strong instinct to make it into Dad’s workshop before winter. Yes, Miss Cranky’s father was known to literally RUN WITH SCISSORS. And scotch tape, white glue and the good tea towels.
Dad always denied involvement. But as every good handy person knows, a good little paring knife is crucial to lots of goings-on in the workshop. You can strip an electrical wire within an inch of its life with a kitchen implement this sharp!
Of course the knife may as well stay out there, hidden beneath piles of screws-that-don’t-fit-anything, rusty nails from the Depression era and little bits of detritus that will SURELY come in handy someday. That paring knife would now lose an arm wrestling contest with a butter knife. A DULL butter knife.
So Mom would order a new set with Green Stamps. And the cycle would repeat.
Meanwhile, the future Miss Crankypants was quietly filching the good silver to dig in the sandbox. She loved to pretend the spoons (also purchased with Green Stamps) were part of a pirates’ booty, buried treasure she promptly forgot about and never recovered.
By the time Thanksgiving rolled around the kids had stolen the turkey baster to use for water fights out in the yard. Mom was reduced to tears and the guests had to eat with sporks. The next year, she gave up and served only finger food. Don’t ask where she got the fingers!
What is it about a kitchen implement that begs it to roam far and wide? Miss CP doesn’t know. But to this day her own knives are prone to wander. Out to the garage workbench. Luckily, Miss Crankypants knows just where to look.

About Linda S. Clare

I'm an author, speaker, writing coach and mentor. I teach both fiction and nonfiction writing at Lane Community College and in the doctoral program as expert writing advisor for George Fox University. I love helping writers improve their craft and I'm both an avid reader and writer of stories about those with wounded hearts.

4 comments on “Beware the Sporks!

  1. I so identify with this condition, Miz CP. Only, since my DH has all “his” tools right where he wants them, I am reduced to sneaking out to forage for the stray kitchen implements. I do not begrudge him the use of them since I have been known to pilfer screwdrivers and hammers from his private collection. Only when absolutely necessary, of course.

    • Catherine,
      Miss CP is SO glad she’s not the only one out there who must regularly retrieve her own kitchen gadget. She’d say a screwdriver for a screwdriver but that sounds just plain wrong. ~Miss CP aka Linda

  2. Sounds like you need to buy your hubby a separate set of kitchen tools to keep in his workshop. Ever hear of Cutco – they’re pricey and EXTREMELY SHARP knives. Anyway, I’ve already cut myself a few times, so, you have to be very careful using them. Husband tried to use one to open and box and got an extremely deep cut on his thumb – didn’t heal for days.

    Needless to say, my knives had better stay where they are – after paying all that $$$ for them, they know there’d war in the house if some went missing! I find myself looking at the chopping block each day, making sure all of my knives are there!

    ~Cecelia Dowdy~

    • Cecelia, Miss CP does that exact same thing! Looks to see if any knives are missing from the block. Cutco, eh? Are these better than Ginsu? If you know what Ginsu knives are, you’re pretty old. Like Miss CP! Keep Griping! Miss CP aka Linda

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *