Miss Crankypants’ National Lampoon Vacay

Miss Crankypants didn’t mean to skip Tuesday’s post. Honest. It’s just that she was forced to take a little unplanned vacation. Instead of Walley World, she had to go to Poopy Diaper Land. That’s right: her little bundle of grand-joy needed a babysitter. And he was determined to make her work hard for the privilege.
Now before any of you start singing Holiday Roooooad, please remember that this precious grandson of Miss CP’s has only been on the planet for five months. He isn’t old enough to watch any of the Chevy Chase Vacation movies, although some of the kid’s antics might stack up pretty darn close.
Miss Crankypants regrets to inform you that the song Baa, Baa Black Sheep is now permanently looping inside her head. And that’s only the beginning!

Take that, Grandma!

Little Amon was a tad fussy that day. And urpy. And well, yes, poopy. This babe utilizes every orifice to keep Grandma on her toes. By two PM, she was as friendly as Aunt Edna, who you may remember was played by a rabid Imogene Coca. And remember Aunt Edna’s dog, Dinky? Amon’s brother and sister are a giant-headed pit bull named Blue and a teacup Chihuahua whose name is usually “FortheLuvvaMike,Shutup!” 
While she watched this zoo, Miss Cranky planned to write her usual sidesplitting comedy for Tuesday’s post. She was going to be very clever and wax poetic about toilet paper, which Amon’s parents were seriously short on. But the lil tyke had other ideas.
Talk about your miniature dictators! This baby makes Castro look like Mr. Rogers. Miss Cranky was amazed at Amon’s iron will to STAY AWAKE ALL AFTERNOON. This kid has a future as a triathlete. And the lungs on this child! He fussed, fussed louder and turned up the volume until the dogs started howling along with him. Miss CP was ready to squeeze the Charmin, all right.
Then she got a brilliant idea. Baby crying plus odd smell equals Wheretheheckdidshestashthecleandiapers? 
Ah. This kid got a bum rap, until G-Ma cleaned it up. But he still fussed. Miss Cranky burped, rocked, pacified and even resorted to singing “Baa Baa Black Sheep” another forty-seven times in a row. By this time it was way too late to post about toilet paper, and anyway, it seemed so trivial compared with Amon’s continued squalling.
Like Dinky Dog in “Vacation,”Miss Crankypants was at the end of her leash. Total roadkill when it came to soothing a teething baby. The dogs sang along as she put on “Vacation” and broke into an off-key version of “Holiday Road.” Eat your heart out, Marty Moose.

About Linda S. Clare

I'm an author, speaker, writing coach and mentor. I teach both fiction and nonfiction writing at Lane Community College and in the doctoral program as expert writing advisor for George Fox University. I love helping writers improve their craft and I'm both an avid reader and writer of stories about those with wounded hearts.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.