Beware the Toaster

Tuesday’s post about inanimate objects really touched a nerve–or else somebody got a bad shock from using the hair dryer while bathing! So, Miss Crankypants is thinking of putting an ad in the classifieds: Help Wanted: Are you a self-starter under two feet tall? Do you dream of making millions gumming up the inner workings of common household appliances? This is your dream job!
Minions Arise!
Since it’s obvious that the key to world domination is to commandeer your vacuum and use it to scare off dogs and door-to-door salespeople, Miss CP is starting her own organization. The League of Extraordinary Minions will make MI6 seem like a game of recess dodge ball. LEMS everywhere will help Miss Cranky take over the world! All by making the toasters and microwave ovens go on the blink. Right during the morning commute.
Miss CP figures if the minions can crawl inside the most commonly used small appliances at 7 in the morning, they can cause global panic. No bagels! No Toaster Strudel! No toast with Nutella! The world will come to a halt.
But first she has to find some willing minions. Not easy in a family of giants. Why, did you know Miss Crankypants has a brother-in-law who is almost seven feet tall? Height like that must be illegal–especially seeing as how said bro-in-law can easily see what a crud-fest the top of her refrigerator is! This guy has to duck through her door and then try very hard not to mention  that her ceilings could really use a fresh coat of paint. But back to minions.
Why should that Despicable guy get all the good minions? Not since Pinky and the Brain or Austin Powers’ Mini-Me has there been such a premium on little guys with megalomania. Despicable should take note: Miss Crank is determined to be the first evil world dominatrix in history! Lex Luther pales in comparison. But in order to pull it off, she must have minions. Lots of minions.
And not just any old minions. No. The successful candidate will be familiar with circuit boards and will NOT have an Oompah-Loompah tan. He or she must be able to fit into a two-slice toaster and pass a skills test involving gnawing electrical cords. The League of Extraordinary Minions is an equal opportunity employer, but no gremlins need apply.