Miss Crankypants has a confession. She occasionally watches Judge Judy on TV. She just loves the drama, the lame excuses people come up with and Judge Judy’s enforcement of good proper English. Writers everywhere can rest assured that because of Judge J, folks who mangle the language are getting slapped up the side of their proverbial heads.
On a recent episode:
The young blond-headed (with tasteful streaks of purple) girl who plays with her tongue piercing (eeewww?) looks through her bangs and says, “Well basically, my ex boyfriend told me that even though he’s never worked a day in his life, he’d pay me back. Basically.” She’s picked an outfit that even a hooker wouldn’t wear in public.
Judge Judy yells, “NO! Not basically! Just tell me what happened.” Judge appears ready to retire from such a thankless job.
Clueless Ex-boyfriend, whose pants are belted around his knees, rolls his eyes. “Totally!”
Judge J takes aim. “I don’t want to hear that word again.”
Clueless grins. “What word?”
“Totally!”
Clueless makes a face at Blondie. “See. Told ya.”
 Judy looks ready to kill. “Now, young man, let’s hear your side of the story.”
Clueless stuffs hands in pockets. “Take your hands out of your pockets.”
Clueless grips sides of podium. “See, she’s all ‘this isn’t a loan, it’s a gift,’ and I’m all ‘Wow, you’re totally awesome.'”
Blondie looks like she might attack Clueless, and raises her hand like she’s in school. “Basically, he’s lying.”
Judge Judy snaps, “Put your hand down!”
Blondie pouts.
Judge Judy pronounces her ruling and a fist fight breaks out.
Cut to commercial.
Miss Crankypants urges other writers to tune in to Judge Judy now and then. You’ll learn how America really talks and how pathetic most of us are. We’re all, “Wow how cool to be on TV wearing the most revealing outfit we could find.” Just try not to use much Valley-speak. She’ll basically, totally throw your case out.