Whether we want them or not, clever writers are everywhere. They’ve got the market cornered on the rest of us poor writing fools.  Clever writers have the presence of mind to think ahead and build up their blog audience years in advance of their book’s release.  They manage to place hundreds of magazine articles to enhance platform. And clever writers are always, well, clever. Miss Crankypants knows exactly where she’d like to tell these clever overachievers to go.
That’s because, when Miss CP tries any of these methods, they always backfire.
Case in point: Miss Crankypants was so clever that she misspelled carpal tunnel syndrome and got a famous actor’s last name wrong in the same week. When she tried to book another author for a book review spolight, she told the author to describe the book in 15 words or less. Miss CP meant 150 words! Then she proceeded to tell the author the wrong date for the interview. Instead of yelling at Miss CP, this genteel author said, “Somebody needs to stop and take a breath.”
Are you kidding? Miss CP hasn’t got time to breathe! She’s too busy, cleverly trying to build a platform. Out of  hundreds of magazine articles she’s submitted, only one editor contacted her and that was to ask her please never send the magazine anything again. Ever.
And if Miss CP did stop to breathe, all the other clever writers would leave her to eat dust as they race out and grab all the best readers. Miss Crankypants would end up with exactly three people who never made the top reading group in grade school: A dyslexic first grader, a one-eyed romance reader and an elderly woman from Latvia who speaks ten languages but sorry English isn’t one of them.
Makes Miss Crankypants say, “Let’s whack every single one of these stupid clever writers.” If that doesn’t work, I have a 30 pound cat I’ll send out. He mews like a kitten, but watch those belly rolls!

All this leads Miss CP to conclude that 1) she is not particularly clever  2) she was born with absolutely zero presence of mind and 3) she’s moving to Latvia.