Miss Crankypants sees them at every conference: women writers who wear five-inch stilettos and super-tight pants. They do this because they can. The last time Miss CP tried this she had to lie back on the bed in order to zip up, and was stranded there for three days. And these platform spike heels! She gets a nosebleed just thinking about trying to keep her ankles from buckling.

All around these beautiful people writers, guys hang in their sloppy hoodies and sweat pants. When the fairer sex does this, we’re referred to as slobs.
That’s why most of us ladies swelter in polyester pants that make an irritating swishy sound when we walk and have absolutely no mercy when we sit. The waistband on your typical no-iron blend is about as stretchy as a boa constrictor clamping down on a victim. And that victim is usually YOU.
Not only that, but who is the genius who sews dozens of tiny buttons down the front of the matching blouse? Don’t they know most of us can’t see anything smaller than a quarter?
But back to the pants. One writer confesses that she was very eco-minded and rode her bicycle to and from a conference. She can realistically say that polyester pants traumatized her–she didn’t notice that the seat of said pants had ripped out until much too late. Of course she was informed of the yawning breach of breeches by one of those fashionistas in platform stilettos and skinny jeans.

 As one whose own history with polyester goes way back, Miss Crankypants says it’s past time women writers everywhere revolted. Let’s rise up and boycott any fabric that refuses to breathe. Buy yourself a nice comfy set of sweats and bring your bunny slippers. Oh, and we’ll just ignore Miss Five-inch Heels: her wardrobe is torture, and really that’s punishment in itself.