You’ll be happy to know that Miss Crankypants has discovered the REAL secret of writing. Oh sure, you gotta practice, write 10,000 hours’ worth, yada, yada. But to be truly anointed as a great writer, you need one thing: Enough of a preferred beverage to float your teeth.
For many writers, this beverage would be coffee. French press, espresso, Starbucks or Mr. Coffee, java has probably fueled more writing deadlines than a ton of recycled french fry oil powering a go-cart. It is said that the French writer Honore de Balzac consumed so much of the liquid gold that he attributed his writing prowess to its magical qualities, not the least of which enabled him to stay awake for days on end.

“Coffee falls into the stomach … ideas begin to move, things remembered arrive at full gallop … the shafts of wit start up like sharp-shooters, similes arise, the paper is covered with ink…”

 All well and good, Miss CP sniffs. So how come HER preferred beverage (Diet Dr. Pepper) elicits pointed stares and nervous laughter from other writers? Are they afraid she’s radioactive? Do they fear she’ll turn into Mr. Hyde or >gasp!< their seventh grade English teacher (you know, the one with that beaky nose and the red pen, who always said you could do better)? Oh the horror!

It doesn’t seem to count that Miss CP does NOT smoke, chew, cuss or drink anything stronger than the occasional Alka-Seltzer. No. Diet Dr. Pepper is evil! This one teensy vice has writers all over shaking their heads and clucking their tongues.
Miss Crankypants longs to explain: She gave up coffee and instead drinks DDP because the caffeine count is lower than a good ol cuppa joe. And don’t get her started on the tea drinkers. As far as she’s concerned they may as well admit their sin and confess they run illegal opium dens.
So what if Miss Crankypants gets high on writing? According to Balzac, it’s necessary to have a reliable source of caffeine WHILE writing. I’ll raise a big foaming mug of Diet Dr. Pepper to that.