One of the oldest and most immutable writing laws states, “Thou shalt not use dialect. Ever.” The amendment adds, “Except if thy name be Mark Twain, Frank McCourt or George Lucas.” The key to dialect is to avoid it unless you are good at writing it. And how does one know if a writer one is not so good and therefore commanded against writing dialect ?

• Are ya gettin’ this? Bad dialect writers regularly use more commas and drop more gs than the catcher comin’ thro’ th’ rye.
• Whadja Say? Bad dialect writers love to create new spellings for ordinary words, so that readers will never guess what the characters are actually saying. This often results in the necessity of emergency surgery to uncross readers’ eyes.
• There is No Try. Bad dialect writers love to write “Yoda-speak.” Doubt not my words, mangle syntax they must.
• Stupidus Maximus. Bad dialect writers love to throw in words from dead languages like Latin, just to see if readers are paying attention. They aren’t but that’s because the readers have died too.
• ‘Tis My Destiny. Bad dialect writers constantly defend their bad dialect, saying dialect is crucial to their story. They compare themselves with Mark Twain, Frank McCourt or George Lucas, as if this gives these writers the right to offend everyone equally, when in reality, these writers are destined for the rejection pile.