|Bella and Blue|
A reader wrote in to ask why Miss Crankypants features so many posts about cats. “When,” this dear reader whines, “are you going to give dogs equal time?” This reader is apparently unaware that the Cat Mafia has kidnapped Miss CP and is holding her for ransom until she breaks down and pays them in tuna. And if they need backup, those feline hoodlums know some Amish thugs with baseball bats.
You might not know it, but Miss Crankypants has a history with dogs-who-scare-the-pants-off-people. So she’s a bit reluctant to embrace the whole man’s best friend thingie. It all started with a couple of Boxers, who may have terrorized Miss CP before she was knee-high to a banana slug. Then it was on.
Miss Cranky struggled through childhood, traumatized by dogs in general and one doberman in particular, owned by a friend. Miss CP would visit this friend rarely but when she did, she’d repeat the mantra, “That dog doesn’t want to eat me,” over and over before working up the courage to ring the doorbell. The door would open, and the dobie, whose snout was approximately crotch-high would immediately try to jam his snout between poor Miss CP’s legs!
It is so hard to make small talk when a huge dog won’t stop sniffing, well you know. Then, when friend offered a snack, Miss Crankypants had to hold her crackers and cheese up above her head, because, wouldn’t you know, the dobie’s mouth, teeth and all, were the perfect height for snatching your tidbits right out of your hand.
Even though Friend assured her that sniffing is a dog’s way of saying hello, Miss Crankypants couldn’t shake her fear and loathing.
But that all changed since the day her daughter brought home a tiny teacup chihuahua named Bella. At first Miss Crankypants was a little stand-offish, but the doggy smell and bulging black eyes sort of grew on her. She was sure that this pooch couldn’t possibly sniff anywhere embarrassing unless she climbed on a ladder.
Sure, Bella piddles on your foot when she sees you. It’s true that she loves to bark at absolutely nothing. Miss Crankypants is thinking of getting her a great book she saw: Shutup! There’s No One At the Door!
But so far, the only snacks Bella steals are the cat’s treats. Bella the Chihuahua may only weigh four and a half pounds soaking wet but she is fearless against Miss Crankypants’ odd assortment of flabby felines. If they give her trouble, she’s got a secret weapon: her “Brudder,” Blue, is a cat-hating pit bull with a big appetite and jaws of steel. He has never met a Kong dog toy he couldn’t eat in ten minutes or less. He’ll gladly chase cats and scare the jibber-jabbers out of most humans too.
Miss Cranky has to hand it to Bella. She’s one smart Chihuahua.
That pup has the Cat Mafia on the run. They’re regrouping in Paris this week with a new and improved plan for total world domination. Rumor has it that those cats are looking for an out-of-work doberman who enjoys sniffing and freaking out unsuspecting writers.
Meanwhile, Miss Cranky would appreciate it if someone would come rescue her so she doesn’t end up sleeping with the fishes.