Someone Forgot Beatrice

Oh hai. What was your name again? Miss Crankypants can’t seem to remember right off the bat. These past few days have been as bad for her memory as the first weeks after her surprise twins came along in ’85. You didn’t know Miss Cranky had surprise twins? Not surprised twins, but the kind you really weren’t expecting in a million years. But she digresses.

See Miss CP knows better than to overdo it. If she gets too tired, too busy, too ANYTHING, heads are gonna roll. Her head, actually. And it ain’t pretty.

First she totally messed up some airline reservations. As everyone with a heartbeat knows, the airlines are not real forgiving about such oopsies. Let’s say you ACCIDENTALLY booked a flight for the South Pole when you really meant to go to San Jose. And let’s say you booked your flight for the only season in which absolutely NOBODY goes to Antarctica. Do you think the airlines will take pity on you and help you get your ticket straightened out? If you said yes you also believe the Tooth Fairy wants to leave gold coins under your pillow!

See the airlines don’t care if you suddenly find yourself suffering from Montezuma’s Revenge while dressed in fourteen layers and a subzero snowsuit. Airline companies seem to think that if you can’t make up your gul-durned mind the first time, you won’t do any better the second or third time you try to change stuff up. Therefore, the First Rule of Flying is: If you Change your Mind, We’ll Take your Change (and everything else in your bank account!)

The second rule of Flying is: The Airline Giveth and the Airline Taketh Away (your tiny package of pretzels). Nowadays, the really cheap-o airlines will not even give you a sip of water to down your aspirin with! Miss Crankypants knows, because she asked! She was left with two equally hideous choices: either swallow a horse pill without water or else stick her head under the airplane bathroom faucet. Let’s hear a collective EEEEWWWW!

In case you’re wondering, the bottled water will be two dollars please. Five for the booze. Ten for the itty-bitty travel pillow. Twenty to keep on breathing, oh wait Miss CP just made that one up!

Now where was she? Oh right, her faulty memory. After the airline fiasco, she tried to enter a contest for books published in 2013. Even though her book came out in 2014, it didn’t stop Miss CP from paying through the nose for the contest AND mailing off three flipping copies of the Book that Is Not Eligible Until Next Year. To top off everything, she drove to a restaurant to attend a luncheon that had been cancelled and then spent way too much money at the mall next door, buying Miss Crankypants some pink sparkly shoes.

Have you ever dug around in your coat pocket and found a cough drop covered in lint? That’s exactly what Miss Crank is dealing with here! Her linty brain is FUZZED. Now, who are you and what do you want?