The Genesis of Crankytude

No doubt The Garden of Eden had an assortment of Cute but Cranky Critters. Otherwise, why would we humans be hooked on watching adorable puppy and kitty videos to this very day?
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know God was onto something when He made some animals cuter than others. Can you imagine oohing and aahing over a salamander?
OK, so there aren’t that many warm furry salamanders out there. But one, Miss LeRoy could have turned the whole snake/apple fiasco into something much better.
Imagine Eve strolling through the Garden in the cool of the evening. Suddenly on the sidewalk in front of her, a poor salamander wanders into view. Now this had to have been Winter in the Garden. Otherwise, le salamander would be in the creek where she belonged. But we digress.
Eve spies the lowly salamander, replete with a mottled orange and brown skin. She thinks it’s a lizard, screams and runs straight over to the Tree of Knowledge. You know, to look it up on Google.
All that running has made Eve think about a little snack. She’s gluten-free, so Twinkies and Doritos are out. But hanging from a low branch, beckons the precursor to the Fujis and Pink Ladies we munch today. A little on the sour side, but apple-ly enough to entice. Eve looks around to see if there’s anyone watching.
Meanwhile, Miss LeRoy has skittered over and says, “Eve! Don’t eat that! You know what The Man said!”
Eve whines, “But I’m starving!”
Enter the Serpent, Miss LeRoy’s no-good cousin. Cousin Serpie has never forgiven Miss LeRoy for growing legs. The nerve! He hisses, “Yo, Evie! I got your back on this one. The Big Guy will be off dealing with a bunch of upstart snakes for days. The coast is clear, Baby!”
Eve reaches.
Miss LeRoy pleads. “Dude! Cousin Serpie gets a kickback every time he gets somebody to buy into his scheme! Don’t do it!”
Cousin S: “I also have some terrific time-shares for lease down South of Florida. You could get in on the ground floor.” The UNDERground floor.
Miss L: He’s the Father of all Lies! 
Eve: “He told me he’s the father of all extended warranties!” She plucks and tucks into the pomme.
Miss LeRoy: Uh-oh. Don’t look now, but here comes Adam. Run sweetie–you know how he just loves to make everything your fault. I’m outta here!
Cousin S: Isn’t that just like a salamander? Sure, rub it in. You got legs.

Adam: (crunching) Hey these apple thingies aren’t bad.
A God-sized shadow falls over the Garden. And verily, The Big Guy is super-cranky.
And thus, the serpent was cursed to crawl on its belly for all eternity, Adam and Eve got kicked out and Miss LeRoy booked it back to the creek before her skin dried up.  And that’s how we all got CRANKYTUDE.
PS: God’s not as cranky now, but don’t tick Him off, K?

About Linda S. Clare

I'm an author, speaker, writing coach and mentor. I teach both fiction and nonfiction writing at Lane Community College and in the doctoral program as expert writing advisor for George Fox University. I love helping writers improve their craft and I'm both an avid reader and writer of stories about those with wounded hearts.

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