Miss Crankypants has a problem. How to deliver her Christmas books before Christmas? Because, you know, nobody likes a Christmas book on December 26. The usual suspects might not come through.
Miss Crank is fully aware that all cats are lazy, unmotivated and at her house, terminally cranky. Yet the moment she saw footage of the Amazon.com drone hovering over suburbia, she knew of an underutilized resource. She is an author who needs to sell books. Her three criminal cats do nothing to earn their keep. Why not strap books onto their backs and tie them to balloons? Hey, it worked for that Lawn Chair Balloon guy.
First you’d need to locate your fat, lazy feline. Cranky Cat’s routine is to snuggle under the Crankypants bed for most daylight hours, so extracting him is going to be a tough operation. A flashlight, a rope and a big handful of treats is necessary to coax CC out of his lair. Even then, he snarls, “Go ask Melchior the Very Large. I’m napping.”
Undaunted, Miss CP tries to sneak up on Cranky Cat’s brother, the aforementioned Melchior the Very Large. This cat hasn’t moved since the Fourth of July and that was only after fireworks spooked him. He spends his time wallowing on one of two chairs in the Cranky living room, soaking up rays from the pellet stove. Melchior is a whale of a cat and she doesn’t mean this figuratively. After calculating that it would take a 747 jet engine to get this behemoth kitty off the ground, Miss CP is getting desperate.
How will she deliver her books in time for Christmas?
It all comes down to poor little Mamma Mia!, who weighs in at a dainty 5 pounds. She’s cute, she’s fast and she can make herself scarce the minute you mentioning strapping books and balloons onto her svelte little kitty body. She claims she once dated an Amazon drone who had no sense of direction. They ended up in a crow’s nest on the wrong side of the trailer park and to this day she hates crows.
So here’s Miss Crankypants, standing on the side of the road, a boatload of Christmas books in her arms, all strapped into a lawn chair tethered to a bunch of old party balloons. Those worthless cats are nowhere to be seen.

Melchior the Very Large