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| Run! It’s a Trap! |
Miss Crankypants heard it on the news: Airplane bathrooms are being downsized. Say what? Every flying restroom Miss CP ever had the pleasure to meet was already smaller than a phone booth. For you young ‘uns, there used to such things on public street corners. Phone booths, that is.
The airplane bathroom holds a strange power over Miss CP. She gets in there (finally!) after several minutes of crossing her legs and dancing in the aisle, vowing to swear off the complimentary Diet Coke forever. She slides the “occupied” sign into its locked position and gasps: the airplane loo is wall-to-wall stainless steel. Plus it either smells like a gaggy pine freshener (the sort they put in gas station facilities) or else it reeks. Smells WAY too natural, if you get the drift.
You can only hold your breath for so long.
And then, when it’s Mission Accomplished, the phobic Miss Cranky has to face the FLUSHER. Now when you’re at 30,000 feet, you know the “flushed” has only one place to go. Plummeting toward Earth at Mach 3! And for some reason, she panics every time.
What if her wedding band or her cell phone falls into the drink as she presses the “eject” button? What if the plane is in trouble and everyone except Miss CP gets to use their seat cushions as a flotation device? What if the big Toilet in the Sky sucks her into the stratosphere, along with the blue-green water?
She’s having a panic attack just thinking about it.
And now they want to add CLAUSTROPHOBIA to the mix? Miss CP envisions every airplane bathroom looking more like a glorified microwave oven–emphasis on the “micro.” Guys AND Dolls will have to stand up, for the new bathrooms won’t accommodate any knee room whatsoever. And these newfangled johns will probably refuse to let you out until you’ve flushed. Which could be a problem for Miss Cranky, Queen of Flushophobia.
Maybe next time she flies, she’ll go as the astronauts go and wear a diaper. She can guzzle all the Diet Coke she wants and still make it to her destination–whether she ends up using her seat cushion as a flotation device or not. Besides, with the new teeny airplane bathrooms, you just KNOW that somebody will get stuck in there. And that’ll get all the passengers dancing in the aisle FOR SURE.
