Alec Gardner is following in Charlie Sheen’s footsteps, telling the whole world how he wants to stick people. Seriously. He can’t play video games on the runway, so he’s taking it out on the rest of us. Miss Crankypants knows a few writers who ought to join him in Anger Management 101. You’ve met these oh-so-teed-off writers. They blast off at every conference, on every discussion board, and even tweet their venom. Recognize any of these?

• The Conspiracy Theory Writer. This writer seethes because in publishing it’s all “who you know.” Thus, Katheryn Stockett couldn’t have possibly published The Help without, um, a little help from her editor friends. Conspiracy believers are certain that publishers are passing over their superior writing in order to create bestsellers out of horrible dreck. In fact, poor agent Jenny Bent keeps having to repeat herself: It’s not about who you know.
• The “They Tear My Stuff Apart” Writer. Boy, is this writer mad–hopping mad. So mad, in fact that one such aspiring novelist took a walk with the mentor who a day earlier had “torn my stuff apart,” evidently forgetting that said writer was walking next to the mentor who was the culprit. “Which mentor?” the bewildered mentor asked. “Why that woman!” the writer yelled. Miss Crankypants didn’t have the heart to say she was THAT WOMAN. The writer was, after all, enjoying her anger.
• The Negative Writer.  If this writer is in a critique group, he or she always leaves the meeting in a snit. You couldn’t pay Negative Writer to crack a smile. He/she takes EVERYthing personally, too. A gentle suggestion for improving the flow of a story is like a clarion call to war. And if you eject said writer from the group, you receive mean-spirited emails everyday for ten years. No matter what anyone says, this writer is furious at everyone: the editors, the agents, other writers and even the readers. Miss Crankypants would like to point out the self-defeating nature of getting mad at your readers, but the Negative Writer thrives on madness. Some people (like poor Alec and Charlie) never learn.