For years Miss Crankypants hasn’t been able to figure out why her book sales are below prime. She writes this blog, claims to have a couple thousand friends on Facebook and mentions her good works everywhere she goes. Then, wham! Just this morning she learns the truth: She’d have book sales up the yin-yang (as her dad used to say) if she only got one important item: a topiary.
This secret to soaring sales has been overlooked by Miss CP. But no more.
Picture her next book event: in addition to a table adorned with tasteful decor and a big fat basket of chocolate, Miz Crankypants will not only display a topiary, she will BE the topiary!
Her kids already call her “Mommy Scissorhands,” after she burned her thumbs on a cookie sheet. That night, poor Ma Scissorhands had to make her fingers into chopsticks in order to eat. Pathetic. But I digress.
Miss CP the Topiary will don an outfit constructed from old Christmas wreaths and some apples and oranges. She may even string those cute little white lights on it, although when her daughter was 10, the infamous “Glow Worm” costume had those lights and they DID nearly catch fire. Daughter showed supreme professionalism by standing still on stage, a smile on her face while her torso cooked.
Miss CP the Topiary will be as brave as the Glow Worm, and if she smells smoke she will not scream or run. She will stop, drop and roll, and hope her apples and oranges stay in place. I’d buy a book from a topiary. Wouldn’t you?