Like most writers, I dreamed about my first book’s publication for years. I also daydreamed about my media appearances–including Oprah, of course. This is one of those things that are great fodder for wool-gathering, but that hardly ever turn out as cool as you imagined.
The first event I had was a bookstore signing, where at least three people showed up. A little local Christian book store (and coffee bar!) agreed to host me only after I bugged the owners for weeks. One of my friends even printed coupons for free coffee at the coffee bar. I should’ve stayed in bed that day.
I got up that morning, knowing I had to look my best. The makeup gremlins had conspired against me, though. During the night, they got together and plucked out all the eyelashes on one of my eyes. I was clever and had bought a package of glue-on false eyelashes, so I was feeling invincible. I’m also very farsighted and can barely see my eye much less the lashes. But I bravely glued on a strip of fakies (falsies just sounds wrong) and went on to the next item. I have really dry skin too, and lipstick fades quickly on my in-need-of-moisture lips. I’d bought some of that paint-on lip stuff, and so I drew on lips and then walked around waving my hands to dry aforesaid lips. Problem solved. When I blopped yellow concealer on my new gray suit jacket, I just wore a nice pin on the spot. I was set.
At the bookstore, all three of my admirers instantly gave me puzzled looks. I was sure they were dazzled by the appearance of an author. I sat at this cheesy card table and smiled for the next 3 hours. The admirers felt sorry for me and each bought a book.
Just before time was up, one sweet friend whispered, “My husband wants to know why you’re wearing a brooch right there.” “Right there” was of course, on the leading edge of one side of my bosom, if you get my drift. I didn’t know what to say, so I smiled. That’s when the friend leaned in and added, “Oh and you’ve got lipstick on your teeth and a bunch of black hairs hanging off your nose.” I reached up and pulled my fake eyelashes from the nostril where they waved, vowing to get those gremlins at my next book event. I am so cool.
Oh my gosh!!! I just about died laughing while reading this! Isn’t it funny how we’re not informed of such embarrassments until after its all said and done??? Great post. 🙂
I have a writer friend who was giving a speech when her pants suddenly fell to her ankles. If you can’t laugh about these horrible things that make you want to DIE, pick another profession. ~Linda
Oh my gosh, I cannot imagine! You’re right — if you can’t laugh at things like this happening to you, then stay away from the public eye. 🙂
On another note, I’ve awarded you with “The Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award” over at my blog http://gwendolyngage.blogspot.com/ It’s okay if you’d rather not participate. I just wanted to let you know I think your blog’s pretty great. 🙂
Thanks for the award, Gwendolyn. I forget what I’m supposed to do, though.Keep Writing! ~Linda