Now that people are starting to call him Chubs, Cranky Cat has been trying to slim down. Like any good feline, he’s a tad on the bulimic side. But he makes up for his upchucks (which never fail to attract Miss Crankypants’ slippered foot) by exercising more. Exercise is a tried-and-true weight-loss strategy. Since neither Cranky Cat nor Miss Crankypants can run even ten feet, they’re taking up yoga.
With these two, yoga ends up looking more like yogurt: you know, a gelatinous mass that goes SPLAT! But they’re going to give it a try, especially since neither of them has seen his own feet in years.
OK, so YOGA CAT and his mistress obey the first rule of yoga: have a really cool outfit. Sweatbands are out, they hear, but leggings are making a comeback. These days they even have leggings for GUYS, although they’re a little big on Cranky Cat. But we digress.
In order to do good yoga, you must stretch and learn to breathe properly. Yet every time Miss CP leads the stretching and deep breathing, all Cranky Cat wants to do is hiss. Since he’s permanently crabby over his genetic lack of a tail, Cranky is determined that everyone on earth knows how awful a tailless life can be. His rant generally sounds like:
YE-OW, YE-OW, YE-OW!
Miss Cranky gently points out that he’s so fat he couldn’t see his tail if he had one, whereupon Cranky Cat nips at her ankle. “What was that for?” she asks.
“Just a love bite,” CC insists. “I swear I’m not bitter.”
“Let’s try some yoga poses,” Miss CP suggests.
“Do we have to? I was about to take my mid-morning nap.”
“I’m the one who needs a nap–or don’t you remember walking over me and yeowling incessantly at four-thirty this morning?”
“I had to go.”
“You have a box.”
“OK, I admit it. I enjoy waking you at oh dark thirty.”
Miss Crankypants yawns. “Let’s just do the pose. First up: Downward Dog.”
|Cranky throws a tantrum|
Cranky Cat grunts, moans and then throws a tantrum. “I knew it! You can’t trust DOGS.”
Miss CP feels dizzy as all the blood runs to her head. “Come on, CC. You can do it!”
Cranky Cat shakes his paw and walks off. “This is way too much effort. I quit.”