Cranky Cat sleeps with fishes.

Don’t tell anyone, but according to some theologians, all dogs and cats do not go to heaven. This is a touchy subject for canines and felines alike. As Edmund, a dog in Colorado Springs recently complained, “All my life I’ve been totally loyal to my people. I wait patiently for my kibble and the occasional Beggin’ Strip. And now they tell me I’m not going with them to the Dog Park in the Sky? What’s up with that?”

Cranky Cat SO agrees.

Miss Crankypants has to let Cranky (and Edmund) down gently. “Even with St. Francis and the SPCA, we can’t make it happen, guys. Besides, Cranky, you’re not even a believer!”

Cranky bares his fangs. “Believe in these, O Mortal. I’ll bite anybody who dares to cross me.” Hiss, hiss.

“Tut tut, silly feline. Don’t you know the One Who madest you can also arrange for you to sleep with the fishes?”

Cranky Cat smiles. “I love fishes!”

Miss Crankypants can’t seem to convince CC that his lives are numbered and they do not include entrance to Pearly Gates.  But then she thinks, “Whoa. What would St. Peter say if Cranky Cat got saved?”

Miss CP remembers her own heathen days. She once made her super-Jesus-freak little sister cry after Sis tried to put that whole God Loves You thing on her. Yes, Miss Cranky has a checkered past, all right. Which, she found out, put her smack dab in God’s TARGET AUDIENCE. Sis was annoying but God turned out to be way more awesome than the spin doctors would have you believe.

And Cranky Cat practically invented annoying. That cat is so grouchy, he can whinge circles around most kvetchers. He’s even whinier than Obama!

With Cranky Cat, you walk around looking over your shoulder, constantly worried that the other Paw will drop. Or maybe it’s only a hairball, but you get the idea. Born Again Cranky Cat would be happier than a Minion dancing down the street to Pharrell’s “Happy.” He’d go around kissing instead of hissing! And his bitey tendencies would be a dim memory. He’d even be at peace with the fact he has no tail.

But like we said, this debate is really hypothetical in the worst way possible. No way is Cranky Cat or Edmund getting more than the pampered existence they each get from their humans. But Cranky Cat doesn’t care. He’s still thinking about all the fishes he’s going to get while he sleeps.