If you’re like Miss CP, you’ve dropped more than a few crumbs on your keyboard, or had your very bad cat knock over your tea. You’ve probably had to dig popcorn hulls, raisins or–horrors!–chocolate from those nooks and crannies at the intersection of F and G. The other day, in one of her health-nut kicks, Miss Crankypants spilled caramel apple dip across the space bar. The result was sticky yes, but worse, the keyboard went on strike.
Miss CP tried to talk some sense into good old Mr. Key Board, who by the way is an ancient spring-loaded thingie with a particular clicking sound that Miss CP loves. But Mr. Board froze up like a tongue on an icicle. Only through elbow grease and a bunch of special keyboard cleaner did he return to working order. While Miss CP slaved, Mr. Board had a few things to say.
First off, he’s noticed her weight. “What’s up with all that movie theater extra butter you’ve been wolfing down?” He pauses to sneer. “You might as well buy stock in Orville Redenbacher.”
She has no rebuttal. Hangs her head.
He goes on. “You drink enough Diet Dr. Pepper to float an armada. I hate DDP. How about some nice herbal tea?”

Miss CP is feeling a bit cocky. “But then I’d have to get the cat to bump my mug with its tail and spill it.” *Winks at Kay*
Mr. Board says nothing, but imitates Your-Mother’s-Stare-of-Death.
Miss CP raises her chin. “Hey, it worked for my friend.”
Keyboard goes on the offensive. “Look. If I was a union keyboard, I’d report you to the labor boss. Work with me here. You eat something different once in a while–something nice and safe and clean–say, carrot sticks. But hold the ranch. And if that cat so much as comes near me, I’m going to electrocute his tail. Fair warning.”
Miss CP groans, thinking of long hours relegated to rabbit food and weak tea. The next time you let Oreo crumbs rain down on RSTUV, or allow your 40 pound cat free reign on the QWERTY, remember: Your keyboard is watching you.