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The other day, someone called Miss Crankypants a cat lady. A CRAZY cat lady. Talk about stating the obvious.Miss CP has been collecting cats since she was old enough to wander the neighborhood calling, “Here kitty kitty.” Her own mother claims that Miss Crank never met a stray she couldn’t bring home. So why has […]
If you’ve owned many cats, you know what happens when you return from the briefest of vacays. You rush in, still clutching your measly bag of airline pretzels, and hug Mrs. Cat long and tight. “Oh cookie-wookie, Mommy missed her wittle kitten-witten.” You plant smooches all over her head, and you hope she stops looking […]
The Well-fed Cat You just can’t get away from it. No, Miss Crankypants is not speaking of dull stuff like fireworks on the 4th of July or midterm elections. She is referring to the relentless guilt trips being heaped upon cat lovers (and the occasional dumb dog lover) worldwide: You ARE your pet. At least […]
What?! This morning at o-dark-thirty, Miss Crankypants’ adorable trio of felines sat waiting patiently for breakfast. Well, Cranky Cat did take a swipe at Melchior the Very Large, but Mama Mia! growled a warning and they settled down. Miss CP wasn’t quite awake, but she tried not to breathe as she scooped out portions of […]
These claws are made for scratchin’ Don’t mind Miss Crankypants. She’s just recovering from her latest idiotic scheme: to keep dear old Cranky Cat from scratching up the carpet, she tried to fix that horrible feline good by taking away his sharp-as-a-tack claws. In the pet store she saw these adorable little claw covers. As […]
In Miss CP’s kitchen drawer, there are seventy-five variations on vegetable peelers. She never uses any of them except one. This peeler is so old, Betty Crocker was knee-high to Martha Stewart when it was sold in stores. She also owns fourteen different kinds of skewers for shish kababs, three broken can openers and several […]
Cranky dishes the dirt. By now the entire planet has watched the amazing clip of a poor little boy riding his bike when the neighbor’s dog attacks and suddenly the family cat kicks some serious dog booty. Now this cat looks a lot like Melchior the Very Large, but we assure you, Melchior has not […]
The Weinermobile! Miss Crankypants is so excited! Today at a nearby store, the WEINERMOBILE will be handing out weiner whistles and inducing all manner of oldsters to break into song.If you don’t know what the Weinermobile is, you’re way too young and hip. Why don’t you whippersnappers just go on down to the DUMB Starbucks […]
Get off my turf! Oooh. Now it’s on. Some wiseguy has figured out that using Amazon drones would start World War Bird. Eagles, hawks and other birds of prey, it turns out, are VERY territorial. They rule the skies, with the possible exception of a few unfortunate cousins who get sucked into jet engines. So […]
Miss Crankypants has a problem. How to deliver her Christmas books before Christmas? Because, you know, nobody likes a Christmas book on December 26. The usual suspects might not come through.Miss Crank is fully aware that all cats are lazy, unmotivated and at her house, terminally cranky. Yet the moment she saw footage of the […]