Over the past year, my son’s use of meth has dropped off considerably. I blame it all on my learning how to love him well, as my friend Pam Lanhart says. Instead of binges lasting weeks or until he finally sleeps, now he still uses but it’s more of a scattershot use. He says it’s […]
Category Archives: Waiting for Morning
Resurrecting Hope
On the day the world rang out with alleluias, I was hollow and empty, as if I couldn’t get all the way out of the tomb. Easter was cold and rainy, in more ways than one. Youngest son didn’t appear until after four PM. My daughter was sick. Middle was MIA altogether. Eldest showed up […]
Touch as Love
The winter sun peeked out from behind clouds and a bitter wind reminded me that spring wasn’t here yet in Oregon. That day, though, I was feeling good. My middle son was in between what I call meth binges—a few days when his “real” personality returns, and he stops being paranoid, aggravated and mean-spirited. Instead, […]
Running With the Wrong Crowd
An old Honda with a bumping bass pulls up to my curb. My heart sinks—I’ve been hoping my grown live-in son stays away from a certain element. It’s only been ten “clean” days, but I hope he makes it through another day. The one who sells what my son’s too often needed sits outside waiting, […]
Lonely but Never Alone
I’m standing outside on a fall morning, watching giant maple leaves twirl and float to the ground. Each leaf, a private little death, pulls me to that empty, lonely place again. My grown middle son is on another meth binge. These binges always feel like a tide rushing out. The sand sucks at my toes, […]
When the Sky Falls (Again)
On a bright summer morning, I sip my coffee, and I’m glad to be alive. The day before, I enjoyed my son with the thrill of seeing him sober. He showed me an animated short film we both loved, we talked about our veggie garden. And he laughed, a real honest-to-goodness chortle that sounded like […]
JINX
“How can I support you?” I ask my forty-one-year-old son. He’s experiencing excruciating day twelve of meth withdrawal. He’s just said the words I’ve long to hear: He’s determined to do life differently. He gently rocks side-to-side, the way he does when he’s coming off a binge. “I guess just be here for me.” Gray […]
When You’re Being Played but You Love Your Kid
I was raised to honor truth. In fact, my adoptive father used to say, ” If you break my rules, you’ll be punished. If you lie, you get double.” Dad’s chilling words float back to me as my son talks about how someone in his life has done him wrong. He’s been betrayed. Son’s cheeks […]
New Battery, New Life
Sometimes, we can recharge relationships with a simple boundary. My grown live-in son (aka Middle) called me on his friend’s cell. “My phone fell out of my pocket. It broke.” Mentally, I added again? and groaned inwardly. You mean the phone that we provide? The one that helps us stay connected? The phone I replaced […]
At Café Broken
Recently, I asked Youngest son if I could take him out to lunch. We’d talk about his options and future without any interjected comments from other family members. Just the two of us. My treat. He said, “Not only no, hell no.” I was shocked and frustrated that my invitation was met with defensiveness. Mom […]