Resurrecting Hope

Resurrecting Hope

On the day the world rang out with alleluias, I was hollow and empty, as if I couldn’t get all the way out of the tomb. Easter was cold and rainy, in more ways than one. Youngest son didn’t appear until after four PM. My daughter was sick. Middle was MIA altogether. Eldest showed up […]

Touch as Love

Touch as Love

The winter sun peeked out from behind clouds and a bitter wind reminded me that spring wasn’t here yet in Oregon. That day, though, I was feeling good. My middle son was in between what I call meth binges—a few days when his “real” personality returns, and he stops being paranoid, aggravated and mean-spirited. Instead, […]

Lonely but Never Alone

Lonely but Never Alone

I’m standing outside on a fall morning, watching giant maple leaves twirl and float to the ground. Each leaf, a private little death, pulls me to that empty, lonely place again. My grown middle son is on another meth binge. These binges always feel like a tide rushing out. The sand sucks at my toes, […]

JINX

JINX

“How can I support you?” I ask my forty-one-year-old son. He’s experiencing excruciating day twelve of meth withdrawal. He’s just said the words I’ve long to hear: He’s determined to do life differently. He gently rocks side-to-side, the way he does when he’s coming off a binge. “I guess just be here for me.” Gray […]

New Battery, New Life

Sometimes, we can recharge relationships with a simple boundary. My grown live-in son (aka Middle) called me on his friend’s cell. “My phone fell out of my pocket. It broke.” Mentally, I added again? and groaned inwardly.  You mean the phone that we provide? The one that helps us stay connected?  The phone I replaced […]

At Café Broken

At Café Broken

Recently, I asked Youngest son if I could take him out to lunch. We’d talk about his options and future without any interjected comments from other family members. Just the two of us. My treat. He said, “Not only no, hell no.” I was shocked and frustrated that my invitation was met with defensiveness. Mom […]

Saving Kindness

Sometimes you have to dig deep to find kindness. Sometimes the trauma, the crises and nonstop drama combine, and suddenly you don’t feel anything. Yes, you know your child with addiction is suffering and hates his life. She knows full well how much she hurts you. The lies and name calling, the threats and manipulations, […]