What?! This morning at o-dark-thirty, Miss Crankypants’ adorable trio of felines sat waiting patiently for breakfast. Well, Cranky Cat did take a swipe at Melchior the Very Large, but Mama Mia! growled a warning and they settled down. Miss CP wasn’t quite awake, but she tried not to breathe as she scooped out portions of […]
Category Archives: Miss Writerly Crankypants
If You Give A Cat a Pedicure
These claws are made for scratchin’ Don’t mind Miss Crankypants. She’s just recovering from her latest idiotic scheme: to keep dear old Cranky Cat from scratching up the carpet, she tried to fix that horrible feline good by taking away his sharp-as-a-tack claws. In the pet store she saw these adorable little claw covers. As […]
The Internet of Cursed Things
Who’s Fat? Miss Crankypants read an article about a new way to think of our stuff: The Internet of Things is supposed to mean that our appliances and conveniences will soon be so smart they won’t need us anymore. The examples range from a fridge that takes inventory and lets you know when the milk […]
Give Miss Cranky a Robot!
In Miss CP’s kitchen drawer, there are seventy-five variations on vegetable peelers. She never uses any of them except one. This peeler is so old, Betty Crocker was knee-high to Martha Stewart when it was sold in stores. She also owns fourteen different kinds of skewers for shish kababs, three broken can openers and several […]
Better Microchip Your Spoons!
It’s 10 AM. Do you know where your spoons are? If you have a husband or children, you might have noticed a small imbalance in the cutlery drawer. Out of a service for twelve you have 17 forks, three butter knives and one and a half spoons. How does this happen? Miss Crankypants knows. She […]
Cat Saves Boy and Cranky Sez “Meh.”
Cranky dishes the dirt. By now the entire planet has watched the amazing clip of a poor little boy riding his bike when the neighbor’s dog attacks and suddenly the family cat kicks some serious dog booty. Now this cat looks a lot like Melchior the Very Large, but we assure you, Melchior has not […]
How to Bribe a Lazy Cat
The Crankypants family is so busy, nobody really has time for ordinary stuff like cleaning house. We jet around, arriving fashionably late to the red carpet, posing and preening for the paparazzi. Who’s got time for vacuums and toilet bowls? Well, Cranky Cat has a thing or three to say about that. Next to his […]
If Cranky Cat Got Saved
Cranky Cat sleeps with fishes. Don’t tell anyone, but according to some theologians, all dogs and cats do not go to heaven. This is a touchy subject for canines and felines alike. As Edmund, a dog in Colorado Springs recently complained, “All my life I’ve been totally loyal to my people. I wait patiently for […]
Why Dogs R Dumb
Cranky Cat sez talk to the tail. O hai again. Cranky Cat gots all kinds of letters and stuff from dogs wondering why I is always saying dogs are dumb. Isn’t it painfully obvious? But okay, hold phone, I is going explain one more time: Dogs are dumb cuz (drumroll, please) they is not cats. […]
Forget Obamacare: Here’s Crankycare!
Vote for Cranky Cat! O Hai. K, now the cat is outs of the bag. As in the grocery bag that I, Cranky Cat, could not NOT go into. Is that a double negative? Psshh. Cranky Cat does not care! See, I is a superior feline. I knows exactly what it takes to get lame-o […]