In Miss CP’s kitchen drawer, there are seventy-five variations on vegetable peelers. She never uses any of them except one. This peeler is so old, Betty Crocker was knee-high to Martha Stewart when it was sold in stores. She also owns fourteen different kinds of skewers for shish kababs, three broken can openers and several chip bag clips that couldn’t keep Doritos from turning rock-hard if there was a $500 reward.   Not only that, but somebody forgot to invent a gadget to clean gunk out of the windowsill. Oh and where is Miss Crankypants’ riding vacuum?

A friend of Miss CP got one of those Roomba things for her birthday. It’s a disc-shaped little robot that glides around your house bumping into walls, backing up and then plowing right back into the next wall. These things are supposed to make life easier by vacuuming your floors for you. But so far, the only ones getting any enjoyment out of these tiny UFOs seems to be cats, who love to ride around on them and then post the videos on Youtube. 

If Miss Cranky got a robot for her birthday, she’d want something better than just floor cleaning. Knowing full well the wayward cat trio would instantly commandeer anything ridable, she wishes for stuff nobody bothers to invent:

• An automatic toilet lid that puts itself down.

• A trash can that empties itself AND puts in a clean bag.

• Self-filling toilet paper roll dispenser. (DUH.)

• Aforementioned windowsill gunk cleaner-outer. (Miss CP did try using the skewers for this, with varying degrees of success.)

• A robot that changes ceiling-high light bulbs with those tricky glass domes dangling from three loose screws. Without breaking something.

• A robot that loves her cooking and NEVER says, “Oh we’re not having that again! Are we?” (Double DUH.)

Inventors of America, nobody needs another robot that can kill another robot. We’re all sick and tired of robots that look like insects. And those lifelike robots they make in Japan? Creepy! Get practical. Miss Crankypants STILL needs a decent vegetable peeler.