What’s Under YOUR Mattress?

At the risk of sounding petty, Miss Crankypants needs to air out a peculiar gripe. Most of her griping has a solid foundation of idiots behind it. But this one! Oy!
Miss Cranky wants to know: Who invented the gauzy fabric they tack to the underside of your box spring mattress?
When you buy a mattress you already know better than to rip off the tags (or face federal penalties). Sure, you’re grateful as all get out that you HAVE a bed, that it’s only somewhat soft and lumpy and that you only broke three lamps and an end table getting the behemoth up your stairs. But just when you think the danger is past, that whitish-see through stuff fastened to the wooden underbelly starts to come loose.
Miss Cranky is trying to think of one good reason for this flimsy fabric on the bottom of a mattress. It can’t be for aesthetics–who looks under the bed for fashion sense? Maybe to keep mice from nesting in the crevices?
All Miss CP knows is that once you suck it up with your vacuum, the gauze has no other earthly use other than providing a great reason to buy a new vacuum.
She knoweth that of which she speaketh.
Why just the other day she got the hare-brained idea to suck up all the cat hair that’s accumulated under the bed. Vacuum wand in hand, she attacked the carpet of kitty fur with gusto. All was going swelleth until the vac began to make high-pitched whining sounds that vaguely resembled a Great Dane with separation anxiety. When she checked, she discovered the hose had the tacked-on gauze in a giant wad. It reminded her of cotton candy crossed with a ball of mating garter snakes.
We now pause to give you time to let that image drift from your mind. . .

Miss Crankypants managed to save the vacuum, but the fuzzy stuff wasn’t so lucky. How was she supposed to know that one tug and the undermattress cover from hell comes off in one long piece? If she hadn’t decided to let vestiges of this irksome stuff stay under there with the trolls and Cranky Cat, she’d no doubt still be pulling it out.
And YES, she’s way grateful for her stupid lumpy mattress that defies fitted sheets, bows in the middle and of course, is bare-nekked on the bottom. There’s still a boatload of cat hair under there, but at least the mice will have a place to lay their little mousie heads.

About Linda S. Clare

I'm an author, speaker, writing coach and mentor. I teach both fiction and nonfiction writing at Lane Community College and in the doctoral program as expert writing advisor for George Fox University. I love helping writers improve their craft and I'm both an avid reader and writer of stories about those with wounded hearts.

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