|Just say no|
Here we are at the most irritating time of year. Miss CP needs to vent a spleen about Holidays in America (and Other Disasters). Dr. Scholl’s must make a mint off folks like Miss CP, who have not been able to sit down for three months. There’s just too much to do!
Of course this year the big talk is all about how Black Friday has just been upstaged by Charcoal Thursday, which used to be known as Thanksgiving Day.
Since Mr. Crankypants slaves in the open pit mine called Wally World, the Cranky household knows first hand what it’s going to be like. H-E-Double Hockey Sticks, that’s what.
Miss Crank has had an adversarial relationship with October, November and December for quite some time. You barely get the last of the artificial cobwebs swept off the porch when, wham! You have to start preparing for a feast that serves thirty-seven, even though your family consists of three adults and a very old dog.
Miss CP thinks the Butterball folks are behind this evil push to shove dry turkey, lumpy gravy and approximately eighty jillion calories down our gullets. And for what? So we can waddle down the Wal-mart aisles before the pie has had a chance to give us heartburn. Miss Crankypants would rather scrub burnt crud off the green bean casserole pan than jockey for position with all the other Walmart shoppers.
And the moment Black Friday rolls around, she loves to poke fun at crazies who line up in the cold dark to be the first to drop $500 for the next Big Thing. From there all the way to Epiphany, she’s gripier than the Grinch.
Oh sure, sometime before Christmas she breaks down and gets all sorts of good gifts for the young ‘uns, most of whom are in their 30s and still count on Miss CP for new socks and underwear. But in Miss Cranky’s opinion (the only one that matters) all the consumer crunching frenzied buying is only an excuse to keep wrapping paper companies in business. Did she mention that Miss CP HATES wrapping presents?
You ask, “Isn’t there anything to be thankful for during the holidays?”
When the Butterball is nothing but soup bones and the wrapping paper is clogging the recycling bin, Miss Crankypants would be thankful, if her dogs weren’t not so tired and achy. But she has a plan. On Christmas Eve, she slips into the back pew, kicks off her shoes and breathes a sigh of relief. She’s off her feet for the first time since Halloween! Maybe that kid from Bethlehem really is the reason for the season.