Fashions We Love to Hate

Miss Crankypants has had it up to here with this year’s fall fashions. Everywhere she goes, it’s skin-tight leggings paired with bulky knee-length sweaters. And to add insult to injury, they put a BELT on the sweater, right where women supposedly have a waist. Not only that, but the palette that fashionistas dictate this year only look good on dead people! Mustard yellow anyone? Yellow makes Miss CP’s fake orange tan glow in the dark!
That’s not the only fashion faux pas this season. The other day Miss CP got all het up about those dumb draped sweaters you find everywhere. She suspects some design school flunkie yanked down the curtains from Great-aunt Matilda’s home (you know, the ones with the heavy brocade picturing dwarves frolicking in the grass) and repurposed the drapes into–you guessed it!–a sweater with no buttons. These draped things look hideous on full-bodied gals such as Miss Cranky. All those ruffles down the front just stand out more, if you get the drift. Bring back regular sweaters! And buttons! A sweater ought to have buttons!
But back to leggings. Are you kidding? The world does not want to walk behind Miss Cranky while she’s wearing leggings. The jiggling is rumored to cause earthquakes and people running for the mall exits.  If her life depended on it, Miss CP couldn’t pull off one of these legging-tunic combos! Even with cool boots on! The boots have all kinds of little belts and buckles this year and that’s the only way she’s wearing a stupid waist cincher.
Besides, the last time she had a waist to put a belt on, she was fourteen. And even then, her waist was so high it got altitude sickness. In Miss Cranky’s house, belts are only for keeping the dryer going.
And from the You’ve-Got-to-Be-Kidding file: the bulky cable-knit sweater and leggings outfit doesn’t even cover the necessities! If Miss CP tries it, she’ll be tugging down on the sweater with every step. Maybe she ought to tear down the drapes and call it good.

About Linda S. Clare

I'm an author, speaker, writing coach and mentor. I teach both fiction and nonfiction writing at Lane Community College and in the doctoral program as expert writing advisor for George Fox University. I love helping writers improve their craft and I'm both an avid reader and writer of stories about those with wounded hearts.

2 comments on “Fashions We Love to Hate

  1. Shades of Carol Burnett’s Scarlet O’Hara! Hiding my bulk under drapes is more like a camping trip in a tent than a fashion statement. I SO feel your pain, Miz CP. I say it’s time for us grandmotherly types to revolt against this whole fashionista craze. What’s so difficult about whipping up something fashionable for the pear shape?
    I’m ready to lead the picket lines. In fact, I’m getting right to work on some signs to carry. BELTS ARE FOR THE DRYER! (Are you with me?)

    • Catherine,
      Carol Burnett never had to put a BELT on her curtains! Miss Cranky is 110% with anyone who’d rather fight than wear a belt. And to all you gals who wear leggings: If you’re skinny enough to look good, we officially hate your guts. Miss CP aka Linda BELTS ARE for the dryer!

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