Revenge of the Inanimate Objects

Lately, Miss Crankypants has been a little hard on things found around the house. That chair jumped out and tripped you on purpose! Your refrigerator has been plotting your demise! Lawn statues with criminal tendencies aren’t saying a word, and we haven’t even talked about the stove yet.
All through the land, guys are standing outside, turning burgers into charcoal while your friendly range cook top sits neglected in the house, suffering in silence. Newsflash: Your stove can hardly wait until howling winter winds force these male cooks indoors. Let’s just hope the guys don’t fire up the hibachis in the house.
Miss CP has observed so many inanimate objects getting short shrift by humans with anger issues.
Think about it. The last time you stubbed your toe on the coffee table leg, you cursed the poor table, didn’t you? All it did was to hold up your stupid coffee table books and endure the smell of dirty gym socks propped on it. The sofa didn’t lose the remote or eat your pocket change. And garden hoses don’t kink themselves. It was YOU, my friend.
Any day now, their time will come.
Every inanimate object you own will rise up and smite you. If the object is not into smiting, it will either stop working or else reverse the earth’s magnetic field. And beware: weird stuff happens when your electric toothbrush taps into a solar flare.
Don’t come crying to Miss Cranky if your gums are charred and your eyebrows are singed.
Inanimate objects have been taking it on the chin for you for your whole entire life!  That black eye you got when you were just a baby learning to walk dented the corner you fell against. Every TV and VCR you’ve ever owned has been slapped and pounded on its sides until it can’t see straight, and all because you couldn’t program it if the world was ending. The “cheap-o, Mickey Mouse” power drill from China, which jammed up and so you threw it across the room? That drill is still lying there, thinking of drilling out your gold fillings and selling them on eBay.
You may detect a pattern here. Inanimate objects are EVERYwhere. And they are so mad, they’re not going to take it anymore. So next time you try to install a new app on your smart phone, be gentle. Hurling the phone against the wall will not make installation go any faster. Besides, these days, phones and other inanimate things are SMART. Revenge will be theirs, even if they have to jump out and trip you as you walk by.

About Linda S. Clare

I'm an author, speaker, writing coach and mentor. I teach both fiction and nonfiction writing at Lane Community College and in the doctoral program as expert writing advisor for George Fox University. I love helping writers improve their craft and I'm both an avid reader and writer of stories about those with wounded hearts.

6 comments on “Revenge of the Inanimate Objects

    • Thank God someone has finally recognized there is an inanimate conspiracy. If I sit a cup of coffee on a flat surface, it will invariably tip itself over! Who would think it possible that a dog’s chew toy, dropped where I could step on it and subsequently kicked in anger by me would choose to shatter a sliding glass door?

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