Flossing Cranky

A reader asks how Miss Crankypants got such a cushie job as this–griping about stuff all day and night. Let me tell you: it’s not easy being cranky! Much less, being the Head Cranky. Your Chief Griper In Charge works hard to come up with dumb happenings to gripe about.
The only cushie thing  about this job is the seat upon which Miss CP sits. The rest of her is tense and irritated as she strives to put out the best darn gripes this side of Rodney Dangerfield. So what on earth can she rant about today?
How about dental floss?
Miss Cranky doesn’t know about yours, but her floss is kind of a flop. If it doesn’t shred itself running the in-between teeth gauntlet, the line gets stuck and it costs Search and Rescue precious resources (such as gold inlays and other outrageously expensive appliances) to extricate floss from its precarious position.
Have you ever had a FLOSS WEDGIE?
Miss CP is sure you won’t care if the floss is waxed or unwaxed, minty fresh or extra fine. You just want that sucker out of there!
Sure, the hygienist makes flossing look easy. She deftly wraps floss around her gloved fingers and mines the spaces between your teeth for Stuff That Shouldn’t Be There. But then, when you get home, it’s an epic FAIL. You cut off the circulation in your fingertips and end up with a tangled mess of line sticking out of your mouth. How do you call up the dentist and tell him you look like a wide mouth bass?
And what about travel? Miss Crankypants demands the airports require all dental floss be checked in with nail clippers and nail files. You could strangle somebody with floss! On the other hand, if you’re good with lassos, you could round up troublemakers with your trusty floss.
Is it any wonder most of us hate flossing? That we routinely LIE to our hygienists about it? “Oh yes,” we fib. “I floss every days and twice on Sundays.” Keep it up and you know where you’re headed.
Wow. Miss CP ranted and she didn’t even break a sweat. That’s true gripey talent, my friends. Now go upstairs and don’t come back until you’ve brushed AND flossed.

About Linda S. Clare

I'm an author, speaker, writing coach and mentor. I teach both fiction and nonfiction writing at Lane Community College and in the doctoral program as expert writing advisor for George Fox University. I love helping writers improve their craft and I'm both an avid reader and writer of stories about those with wounded hearts.

10 comments on “Flossing Cranky

  1. And I thought I was the only floss-challenged person on earth. I can never get that stupid stuff to run through my teeth like the hygienist does it. But–I do NOT lie to the dentist. There are serious consequences for that. Who knows how miserable he could make my mouth. I always say, “I know I should floss more.” And then I smile my crooked unflossed smile.

    Good gripping for today, Mz CP. You are the best.

  2. Methinks Miss Crankypants is using the wrong floss. 😉 Try Crest’s Glide. Someone else makes one similar, maybe Johnson & Johnson? I think you’ll like it better! 😀

  3. Oh, my gosh, yes! I suspect there are multitudes of us floss-challenged fibbers out there. Thank you for bringing this to light! Now I don’t feel so alone…though I still intend to fib to the hygienist!

    • Miss CP is relieved to know she’s not the only one who fibs about flossing. Whew! With all the new tech stuff–smart bombs, smart phones–somebody ought to invent smart floss.
      Keep Griping!
      Miss Crankypants aka Linda

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