Green Is for Spite Bumps

Miss Crankypants’ dear mother used to warn her not to be spiteful. Although it never took hold, Mom’s advice was supposed to undo the damage done whenever Miss CP tried to convince her younger sister that she was adopted. This usually occurred after sharing the backseat with her for ten hours straight.
According to the Queen of Spite, Sis was a reject who was only adopted because nobody on Earth OR Mars OR Pluto wanted a kid who always threw up on car trips and who couldn’t pronounce spaghetti correctly. Sis would be terrified of being left at the next rest area or starving to death. Right away she’d tattle on Miss Crankypants.
Mom would shake her finger at a much younger Miss CP and dispense a lecture. “Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face, Missy!” and “Leave your poor sister alone for pity’s sake!”
But Miss Cranky never let a lecture slow her down. No! If she couldn’t reduce the little twerp to tears by lunchtime, it was a slow day. In fact, she’d probably still be bullying that sister mercilessly, if she hadn’t stolen her sibling’s Halloween stash.
Miss Crankypants is spiteful but she’s also stealthy. From an early age, she could break into the box of Ding Dongs (reserved ONLY for school lunches) and make it look like none were missing until it was too late. When Mom started yelling, Miss CP would coolly implicate her dippy sister.
But back to candy. Ever the sneaky one, Miss CP loved sweets. She ate up all the chocolate bars she was supposed to sell for a school fundraiser and hid a hundred dollars worth of wrappers under the bed. While a Campfire Girl, Miss Cranky ate an entire box of Russell Stover chocolates while sitting inside a dark closet. She’s been known to take candy from babies and snack-sized Snickers bars from doofus sisters. She’s an addict!
Locked in the bathroom, with her sister’s Halloween loot, Miss Crankypants inhaled all the good candy before you could say “sugar high.” She then tossed the empty pillowcase into the hallway.
Little Sis ran tearfully to Mom, wailing that SOMEone stole her entire pillowcase full of Halloween treats. Miss CP, groaning with candy overload, was automatically  suspected.
She, of course, denied everything.
Mom narrowed her eyes. “Are you telling me you didn’t just eat your sister’s Halloween candy?”
Miss Cranky was indignant. “You know I hate Smartees. How could you even think I’d do something mean like that?”
Sister screamed, “She’s lying, Mom!” She waved her empty pillowcase as proof.
Mom crossed her arms. “All right, Missy. We’re going to get to the bottom of this right now.”
Miss CP put on her most innocent expression–hard to do with such an intense a stomach ache. “What?” She glared at her sibling. “You already ate your candy and now you’re just trying to get mine too!”
Mom instructed Miss Crankypants to stick out her tongue. “Just as I thought,” Mom said. “Your tongue is not only green, it’s full of spite bumps too!”
To this day, Miss Crankypants curses the Smartees, especially the green ones. You can probably guess why.

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About Linda S. Clare

I'm an author, speaker, writing coach and mentor. I teach both fiction and nonfiction writing at Lane Community College and in the doctoral program as expert writing advisor for George Fox University. I love helping writers improve their craft and I'm both an avid reader and writer of stories about those with wounded hearts.

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