Miss Crankypants was going to be a vegan. Really. Or at least a committed vegetarian. But every time she swears off meat, she fails. What’s the one thing keeping her carnal nature alive and well?
Why does bacon have to taste so darned great?
Miss CP could forsake most varieties of flesh-eating. Red meat is tough to digest, chicken is bland and fish? Meh. Even pork in every other form is a cut that Miss Cranky could take or leave. Ribs, chops, ham–who cares? But don’t NOBODY try to take away Miss Crankypants’s bacon.
A fair number of others on the planet feel the same way: right here in Miss CP’s own sleepy little hamlet, there’s a doughnut shop (VOODOO) that sells a MAPLE BACON BAR. Or maybe it’s a BACON MAPLE BAR. There’s a TV show dedicated to bacon, and supermarkets are even selling BACON MOUTHWASH to the hardcore Bacon Addict.
The obvious conclusion? Bacon is the one ingredient that surely keeps the Earth from whirling out of its orbit and smashing into Jupiter. The Druids probably built Stonehenge to worship bacon. Plus, it tastes good!
At this very moment, the SPCA is protesting outside Miss Cranky’s door, so let’s just say it: Pigs aren’t treated very well on those awful hog farms where they cram a jillion porkers into a pen meant to hold a pygmy goat and two chickens. Miss Cranky weeps along with all the rest of the veggie-matic crowd. A whole TV show just about bacon? It’s probably not even free range. Honestly, if people today really understood where their bacon came from, nobody would be brave enough to open a package of thick-sliced bacon ever again.
But just a whiff of hickory-cured rashers sizzling on the stove and even Miss CP goes slightly bonkers.
Oh they’ve tried to even the playing field. Sadly, turkey bacon just isn’t the same. Beef bacon takes all the fun and flavor out of gourmet bacon experience And Tofubacon? More like TOE-FACON! All these attempts at fakin’ bacon are pathetic. Bacon addicts want their greasy, crispy strips. And they want them NOW! Bacon withdrawal is tough, and often results in the shakes and midnight runs on Egg McMuffins.
How do you know that you’re living with a bacon addict? Simple. If you catch your loved one or Miss Crankypants guzzling all your BACON-flavored mouthwash, it’s time for an intervention. Every pig you know will be in hog heaven, and for now the Earth’s orbit will be safe.