Miss Crankypants has been noodling around with ideas to make the writing life more streamlined. Face it, people. We’re zooming past antiquated things such as regular old computers, paper books and bricks and mortar bookstores. Stuff Someone Should Invent for Writers!
Here are just a few of Miss CP’s ideas:
- THE KEYBOARD LOO. This is a toilet with attached keyboard. Writers love to be in the ZONE. So when Nature calls, why not have a KEYBOARD LOO at the ready, capable of capturing all your great writing? It would be designed so that YOU, the WRITER, can decide just what to do with what you’ve written: either the words stay on the screen or (like a lot of Miss Cranky’s efforts) they get flushed.
- MAGIC CUP. A Bottomless Cup of Coffee. See? THIS is why you need the Keyboard Loo! All that coffee (or, all right, tea) not only makes you go in the word count sense, it makes you need to go. Every five minutes.
- GOAHEADANDSENDTHEBOOBS. Speech Recognition software available today gets it wrong wrong wrong! Someone needs to come out with a program that doesn’t make you sound Uzbekian or from Jersey. Yeah, right. When pukes fly.
- THE ZAPPILY. Happily zap any writer who dares to use an “ly” word! This Electrified Adverb Detector can also be used as an Amazon Review Plumper and General Ego Stoker. Never be caught in bed with an adverb again!
- MY LITTLE HOT ROBOT. This cool device comes with a built in feature. He or She looks just like your favorite hottie and automatically says, “Wow! That’s the best thing I’ve ever read!”
- OBI WAN EDITOR TAMER. Remember the Star Wars scene where Obi Wan waves his hand and the Stormtrooper says, “We don’t need to see your papers”? This gadget would put the power back where it belongs–in the writer’s hands. Cranky eds and agents who insist on major rewrites for the seventeenth time will be transformed with the wave of a hand. “I don’t need any more changes,” he or she will croon.
- STRAITJACKET BLUES. This is a great outfit for Bad Reviewers, Rejecting Editors or that One Annoying Writer who never shuts up. And it if doesn’t do the trick, just brandish the ZAPPILY! A few volts and they’ll be begging for mercy. Which unfortunately, Miss Crankypants is completely out of.