In one of her jobs, Miss Crankypants tries to show writers how to create show-stopping fiction. Many of these writers either a) fall asleep in class b) pay more attention to the Subway sandwich they’re dripping all over the classroom or c) stare at the teacher with that bored look that means they’d rather be telling others about their writing than actually writing. But when Miss CP gets to the One True Secret of Bestselling Fiction, even the Subway sandwich guy stops chewing.
What exactly is the One True Secret of Bestselling Fiction, you ask?
According to self-pubbed millionaire-ish author John Locke, it’s mailing him a dollar. For that he’ll send you his book on how you too can make millions. If all the hype about bestselling self-published authors contains even a smidgeon of truthiness, any writer can learn the OTS of BF just by merely making John Locke a zillionaire instead of a mere millionaire. What a secret! Turns out that the only folks becoming millionaires are the ones who write a book about how they made millions by asking people to send in money to find out that yes, he made millions off YOU and a jillion other chumps.
Miss Crankypants feels the need to set the record straight.
The REAL One True Secret of Bestselling Fiction is: Puppies, kitties or babies. If you add one or more of these cutie-pies to your novel, readers will be unable to resist. Baby animals in general will all but guarantee success. Well, maybe not baby snakes or spiders or Komodo Dragons, but you get the idea.
To test this theory, Miss CP recommends you do the following: Post about your novel on your network. Put a nice pic of the cover with your post. Count the yawns.
Then, replace the pic of your book cover with an adorable photo of a puppy, kitten or best of all, a baby. Your readers will blow up your page with comments. The NYT will call. Oprah will come out of retirement to gush over your book. All because you added cuteness.
And you didn’t even have to send in a buck.