Someone has pointed out that Miss Crankypants, if she’s ever going to be a household name, needs to create an image. One which sticks in your mind, like that horrible TV commercial where the super-annoying camel asks coworkers what day of the week it is. See? You’re ready to scream and we’re just getting started! Psst: Hump Day. Get it?
If Miss CP had oodles of dough to spend on creating the perfect persona, she’d probably wind up with either a Charlie Chaplin moustache, wild hair like Whoopi or one of those fake arrows through the head like Steve Martin. But Miss Cranky is one of the poorest famous comediennes you’ve never heard of, which is why she’ll just have to create her image from cardboard, old Mardi Gras beads and of course, DUCT TAPE.
And first on every household name’s list is the OUTFIT. Back in the day, there was a song about cowboys. Since everybody wants to know how cowboys know when they’ve met another cowboy, the ballad went, “I can see by your outfit that you are a cowboy.” Nice enough, but the punchline was, “Get yourself an outfit and be a cowboy too.” Truer words were never sung.
Miss Cranky loves pink, the hotter the better. She collects all things pink. She even dreams in pink! It stands to reason her outfit should be the brightest, most day-glo shade of pink there is. But there’s a problem.
THE COSMIC LAW OF OUTFITS STATES: If you want a certain type of clothing, it will automatically disappear from every retailer’s inventory until you don’t want it anymore, whereupon that item will magically fill every bargain bin to overflowing.
You know how impossible it is to find the perfect outfit in a store? The day you decide you look best in an A-line skirt, they’ll stop making them. If you like plaid, it’s a sure bet this year’s fashions will focus on polka-dots instead. This law is as sure as gravity, my friends, which unfortunately NEVER disappears, working tirelessly to sag your jowls and anything else it can get its gravitational hands upon.
This means that poor Miss CP must traipse from mall to mall, trying to find pink items to build her outfit. She KNOWS she saw tons of pink clothing in store windows just last week! Suddenly, it’s like HOT PINK has been banned or else HELLO KITTY has gone on a shopping spree.
So here’s Miss Crankypants, forced to wear nondescript garb, her image suffering from her lack of pink clothing. Maybe you could send her some hot pink stuff if you happen to go crazy on the clearance rack. Or maybe she’ll just wear an arrow through her head and call it good.