|Yu sez Im fat?|
Miss Crankypants is like a lot of women. Her closet and bureau drawers are divided into fat and skinny departments. Years of yo-yo dieting created this mess. One year she ate nothing except hard boiled eggs. It slimmed her down but to this very day she cannot stand the sight of one. Doesn’t matter if it’s deviled, shirred or streaked with Easter egg dye. Hard-cooked eggs are totally not worth being able to squeeze into a smaller size for ten minutes.
And don’t we love to try to pour our curvy selves into garments that fight back?
Miss CP remembers a certain pair of jeans she bought when she was on the grapefruit diet. Remember the crazy dance you do to get the jeans up and over the hips? Miss Cranky’s children all thought she was doing the Bunny Hop.
If she got this far, a bed was necessary. She had to lie down to get the jeans’ zipper on the upswing, and then holler for help to get up off the bed. The kids asked her if she’d fallen and couldn’t get up.
And if she did manage to get these babies on, she was faced with a dilemma: walking around with a smug look at fitting into such a small size. Or breathing.
Breathing almost always won out.
At some point, you just give up and start courting your fat clothes, who aren’t speaking to you since you totally dissed them by penguin-walking in size ZERO. Your fat clothes feel like that one friend you only call if the rest of the world is busy. Jilted, lonely fat clothes, doing the thankless job of literally covering your rear end. No wonder they get their feelings hurt.
Comfy, XXL sweat pants belonging to hubby: You say you’re leaving me for a cute little spandex number? Fine.
You: Hey, I haven’t tasted real food in weeks. I need to celebrate my new image.
Sweat Pants: I do everything! The gym, the grocery store, your daughter’s high school graduation–I’ve been there for you, making sure that muffin top is well-hidden. I even go to bed with you! How can you leave me for a floozy like tight yoga pants?
You: But I’ve always dreamed of wearing trophy pants. You’d just fall right off me if I took you out in public!
SP: You’ll be back.
As much as Miss Crankypants wishes she could divorce her fat clothes, she knows it’s true. Give her a few pounds of pasta and last year’s leftover Halloween candy, and she’ll be begging her fat clothes to take her back. And all because she refuses to eat another hard boiled egg.