Your Personal Zombie

That moaning sound you hear is only the latest hot trend in America. Is Miss Crankypants waxing her husband’s back hair again? NO! It’s ZOMBIES, and they’re here to make your dreary life a bit more bearable.
Zombies are everywhere–on TV, in the movies and now they’ve broken new ground: Zombies are on the bestseller list! We’ve all seen zombies dancing, careening or dragging themselves through the neighborhood on moonless nights. But when was the last time you cracked open a book and found a zombie staring back at you? Miz CP thought so.
Since you can’t kill the darn things, Miss Cranky wonders if we ought to push for a Zombie in every household. Sure, they make noises worse than the tom cat prowling outside, but a zombie could be a helpful addition to any family. Just don’t let him talk you into minding the kids.

  • A Zombie would probably LEAP at the chance to empty your garbage, especially if you live in a community that uses dumpsters. Zombies not only hide inside dumpsters, they roll around in them, soaking up a good stench.
  • Your Own Personal Zombie would gladly walk your dog. Of course, that’s the last time you’ll ever see your dog, but at least Fido won’t be whining at the door to be let out.
  • And a Zombie personalized just for you might even be willing to scare the daylights out of bill collectors, nosy neighbors and that one uncle of yours who always shows up drunk at family gatherings. And just think what having a personal Zombie could do to your Mother-in-law! She’ll never come for a three-month visit again!
With all the hoopla surrounding the Undead these days, Miss CP isn’t sure there are enough Zombies to go around. You can’t exactly advertise for someone who drags his legs behind him, never changes his clothes and has serious facial blemishes. Oh wait! It’s the perfect description of a teenager! Get yourself your own personal Teenage Zombie. You’ll be amazed at how lifelike they can look.

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About Linda S. Clare

I'm an author, speaker, writing coach and mentor. I teach both fiction and nonfiction writing at Lane Community College and in the doctoral program as expert writing advisor for George Fox University. I love helping writers improve their craft and I'm both an avid reader and writer of stories about those with wounded hearts.

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