Power Couponing Is Not for Wimps

So Miz Cranky, as you may already know, habs a code. She has been thinkin’. (Uh-Oh!) What if you could buy a virus to deal with life’s nettlesome problems? Since Miss Crankypants NEVER buys anything at full price, naturally she wants to know: Is there a way to use a coupon?
While Hubby would never subject himself to the ridicule of rifling through a plastic bag of coupons at the checkout with one hundred and forty-three people in line behind you, Miss CP ALWAYS uses a coupon. If it’s not on the coupon, she’s not buying it!
In her years of being cheap, she’s run into the number one nettlesome problem that POWER COUPONERS face: those manufacturers’ coupons that say, in microscopic print, that you have to buy seven of the same item, on a Tuesday, under a full moon. Who needs seven of anything?
Not to mention the fact that Tuesday is Senior Day at Miz CP’s local store.

During the Full Moon, every old nutcase in town crawls out of the woodwork to claim their “Tuesday Lucky Number” prize. The parking lot is bumper cars as dozens of  geezers drive their Plymouth Cruisers at ZERO m.p.h around the lot. Then they manage to cut you off and steal your space.
This is almost as bad as being in the checkout line, handing your checker the coupon for a dollar off, and watching as she scrutinizes it as if you’re passing fake 50 dollar bills. She looks up and says one of the following: “This expired yesterday;” “You have to buy seven to use the coupon;” or “It’s not a full moon until tomorrow.”
Checker hands back your coupon like it’s full of the plague. All the customers in back of you get that restless look that either means you are holding up the line or someone has issued a bad smell.
Along this line of logic, the threat of a terrible virus that causes you to expel from both ends, raises hives all over your body and produces that sickly green snot just might make the Reluctant Checker change her mind. Miss CP is thinking (not again!) of wearing a surgical mask and a button that reads, “Virus Alert!! Contagious for Seniors and Store Clerks.”
Miss Crankypants just KNOWS that this will cure oldsters from clogging up the parking lot on Tuesdays. Also, she’ll get revenge on dumb clerks who insist on playing by the coupon rules. The checker will give Miss CP the goods for free, just to get her out of the store. Now that’s Power Couponing. Ahchoo.

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About Linda S. Clare

I'm an author, speaker, writing coach and mentor. I teach both fiction and nonfiction writing at Lane Community College and in the doctoral program as expert writing advisor for George Fox University. I love helping writers improve their craft and I'm both an avid reader and writer of stories about those with wounded hearts.

2 comments on “Power Couponing Is Not for Wimps

  1. Nettlesome? Had to look that one up. (Perfectly executed, BTW.) Thank you for improving my vocabulary. What valuable services you provide.

    My couponing days are few at this stage of my life. It’s my memory that interferes. When my children were small, I could coupon with the best of them. For some reason, when I pull out a coupon now, it has always “expired yesterday.” How well I know THE LOOK you mentioned, from the other customers and from the checker. Doesn’t reinforce the desire to bring in another coupon. Clearly I do not have what it takes for POWER COUPONING. And I can live with that.

  2. You don’t know nettlesome until you’ve been stuck behind a senior driver who puts on the right blinker and then turns left. Oh wait! Miss CP is going to be a senior driver herself VERY VERY Soon. Better steer clear of the parking lot on Tuesdays–Miss Vroom-vroom Crankypants is dangerous. Miss CP aka Linda

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