Everybody Miss Crankypants knows is in Dallas this week. Not that she’s bitter or anything. While the rest of the fiction-writing stars are off at ACFW, Miss CP gets to kick back with all the rest of the Zeroes and Nothings.
You say you’re not a zero?
While your colleagues canoodle with editors and agents, you’re sitting at home. Admit it. You’re just a wee bit envious. Makes you wanna send out the legions of zombies you’ve been writing about.
Never fear, ye Zeroes and Nothings! Miss Crankypants has the solution. We are going to put on our own conference. An ANTI-CONFERENCE.
Due to rising costs, it will have to be located in Peoria, Arizona, but this Anti-conference will be the go-to destination for the short of credit and the cash poor. If you can pedal a bicycle, you’ll be able to learn all about fab new ways to get 10,000 new followers for only $27.50! Attenndees will get a chance to figure out a cool brand tag line (I Write Novels about Idiots) or find out how to plot a story using Apple’s secret algorithms.
You’ll dine on your choice of ramen noodles or gourmet peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on day-old white bread. You’ll drink tepid tap water! Be inspired by several other novelists who’d love to stab you in the back! And the tour de force: Our keynote speaker will reveal his secret to getting a contract: Simply become best buds with the CEO of the publishing house! Can you spell golf?
By the time the ANTI-CONFERENCE is over, you’ll wonder why you never attended before. You’ll also wonder why you flew in on that cut-rate airline with the airport that’s two hours from anywhere and has extra charges for every breath you take while on the plane.
But it’ll be worth it, just so you can look your ACFW friends in the eye when they start in about their cool experience in Dallas. Miss Crankypants has your back.